After leaving the doctors office this morning, we felt like we had pretty solid answers as to what happened to your little life. We spent time praying on the way home and began to process what happened. To make it easiest to explain, my blood work was at 5,500 at the hospital on Saturday. The doctor drew my blood again this morning and said with the amount of bleeding I've had, we would expect it to be significantly less now and on its way back to normal. However, the nurse called me this afternoon to tell me my levels are at 11,000. This can only mean one thing. You are growing, just not in the right spot. As sad and hard as this is, you are growing in mommy's tube, which means our time together is limited right now, and I might experience a good bit of pain losing you. It was already hard enough to know this morning that you were gone, but now to know that you are just growing in a spot that will not allow you to live, breaks my heart to peices.
According to our doctor, this is one of the most rare forms of ectopic pregnancies, so we are obviously scared of what will happen. I'm praying that God will protect me during this time of losing you, and that my heart and body would heal for any future babies the Lord blessed us with. It has been quite the roller coaster these last two weeks, but I trust that we are surrounded by people that love us and you, and we are thanking God for the peace He brings.
We were praying with one of our pastors today, and once again, a portion of Misery of Job and Mercy of God came to mind. Job is speaking to his wife in the midst of unbearable trials:
O Dinah, do not speak like those
Who cannot see, because they close
Their eyes, and say there is no God,
Or fault him when he plies the rod.
It is no sin to say, my love,
That bliss and pain come from above.
And if we do not understand
Some dreadful stroke from his left hand,
Then we must wait and trust and see.
O Dinah, would you wait with me?"
We do not understand why God is doing what He's doing. Or why you are growing in a spot that you cannot live. But, I am trying my best to let go of the need to ask God why, and just reflect on His past providence in our lives. We have walked this road before. We have lost a baby before, and God turned our sorrows into dancing. I am confident He will do that again!