About Me

Hi everyone! My name is Sarah, and I am a Christian, saved and sustained daily by my wonderful Savior. I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Mitch; we got married at 19! I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a co-worker, and a woman that struggles with infertility. God has used this struggle to completely transform my life. I have experienced fear, hope, anxiety, compassion, trust, peace, tears, excitement, pain, laughter, and many other things that come with infertility. But most of all, I have a deeper trust and friendship with my Creator and my husband, and for this, I am forever thankful. The purpose of this blog is for me to remember the ups and downs of this trial, and how my Savior has brought me through it all. For those who have never struggled in this area, I hope this blog will help you see a glimpse into the life of someone struggling with infertility, so that you might better know how to encourage them through these difficult times. I also pray that this blog will help other women struggling in this area to know that you are not alone! There is a river of peace that is found in Christ that can help you through even the darkest of circumstances, I promise!

Monday, February 15, 2016

Wait & Trust & See

Baby,

After leaving the doctors office this morning, we felt like we had pretty solid answers as to what happened to your little life. We spent time praying on the way home and began to process what happened. To make it easiest to explain, my blood work was at 5,500 at the hospital on Saturday. The doctor drew my blood again this morning and said with the amount of bleeding I've had, we would expect it to be significantly less now and on its way back to normal. However, the nurse called me this afternoon to tell me my levels are at 11,000. This can only mean one thing. You are growing, just not in the right spot. As sad and hard as this is, you are growing in mommy's tube, which means our time together is limited right now, and I might experience a good bit of pain losing you. It was already hard enough to know this morning that you were gone, but now to know that you are just growing in a spot that will not allow you to live, breaks my heart to peices.

According to our doctor, this is one of the most rare forms of ectopic pregnancies, so we are obviously scared of what will happen. I'm praying that God will protect me during this time of losing you, and that my heart and body would heal for any future babies the Lord blessed us with. It has been quite the roller coaster these last two weeks, but I trust that we are surrounded by people that love us and you, and we are thanking God for the peace He brings. 

We were praying with one of our pastors today, and once again, a portion of Misery of Job and Mercy of God came to mind. Job is speaking to his wife in the midst of unbearable trials: 


O Dinah, do not speak like those
Who cannot see, because they close
Their eyes, and say there is no God,
Or fault him when he plies the rod.
It is no sin to say, my love,
That bliss and pain come from above.
And if we do not understand
Some dreadful stroke from his left hand,
Then we must wait and trust and see.
O Dinah, would you wait with me?"

We do not understand why God is doing what He's doing. Or why you are growing in a spot that you cannot live. But, I am trying my best to let go of the need to ask God why, and just reflect on His past providence in our lives. We have walked this road before. We have lost a baby before, and God turned our sorrows into dancing. I am confident He will do that again!



-mommy

Every Life is Worth Celebrating

Baby,

My sweet little baby. Words cannot even describe the amount of heartbreak we feel right now. You gave us so much hope. Hope that we were able to get pregnant naturally. Hope that our twins would have a little brother or sister. But after today's doctors appointment, the only hope we have is that you are in Heaven with Jesus and with your brother/sister that we lost 15 months ago. I am so thankful that we have that hope at least. That we don't have to fear that you are just gone forever, or that your short little life didn't matter. It did matter, and we will see you again. Maybe not on a sonogram screen, and maybe not in our arms in October, but in eternity we will.

Before I tested positive this time, we agreed, don't tell a sole until we're passed 8 weeks at least. But as soon as I peed on that stick, I couldn't hold it in. I had to celebrate you. I had to tell the whole world, because you are that important and special to us! Some might think it's hard to announce an early pregnancy for this very reason, because then if something happens, you have to announce the loss as well. But I think it was worth every moment that we were able to celebrate your life with our family and friends! And now in this tough time of losing you, we are surrounded by amazing people that are praying for us non stop.

I love you more than you will ever know, and I'm so thankful for my two babies now in Heaven that never have to suffer a minute of pain on earth. Your life is worth celebrating and will never be forgotten!!

-mommy

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Having Faith & Being Realistic

Baby,

Today was a hard, hard day. After spotting all week long, I came to grips with the fact that I should wait until my next appointment on Wednesday to get final results on whether you were growing or not. Well, I woke up this morning to a pool of blood. Several large clots, and painful cramping. I really didn't want anything to happen this weekend because your baby cousin was due any minute. I really just wanted you to be perfectly fine, but I also hoped that if anything was wrong, that it wouldn't happen until next week. Well, I went to the ER at 8:00am, had blood work and a sonogram, and waited two hours for results. The whole time I was there, I bled so much I thought there was no chance any more. Even the nurse and Doctor were very discouraged by the amount of clots.

Two hours later, the Dr. came in to tell me that my blood work has continued to go up, though not as much as it had been, and the ultrasound did show a growing pregnancy. Not what I was expecting to hear, but it was good news. I'm thankful that this pregnancy is in the right spot and not in my tubes. Although my whole day has been spent bleeding, and my hope is nearly gone, I am still praying that you are growing and that God can cause healing to whatever is happening right now.

After we left the ER, we went to visit your newest cousin that was born at 8:53am. He is precious, and I'm glad we were able to see him, although the burden of what was happening to us was extremely heavy. I do have peace in knowing you have 4 cousins and 2 siblings here waiting for you if God allows you to grow and be born in October. And if you leave this world before we ever hold you, you have 2 cousins and 1 sibling that you will meet, along with a Savior that you will praise forever.

This waiting game feels all too familiar, but so does the peace that God brings during such a scary time. I love you forever, my sweet little baby.

-mommy

Thursday, February 11, 2016

50/50

Baby,

Once again I sat in a doctors office, pregnant, bleeding and scared. After a very unsure ultrasound, the dr says to us "well, you can come back in a week for another ultrasound, but it's a 50/50 chance on whether the baby will make it"

WHY?!?!?

Why did God give us this pregnancy just to potentially take it away again? I know it will be worth all the pain if we are able to hold you one day, but in the meantime, this just flat out sucks. I literally just got done writing down a whole list of specific prayer requests for this pregnancy, and not seeing blood was one of my first ones. And the very next day there it was, blood.

We've had two ultrasounds at this point, and neither of them had very good news. Although my blood work is still fantastic, so it's very confusing. All I wanted was a smooth pregnancy, but for some reason that's not what God has planned. I'm trying to get to a point where I don't question His ways, but it's times like this where it's very hard.

I've seen His hand in our life in so many ways, so I know His ways are higher than mine. But I'm just praying so hard that two miscarriages are not a part of His plan for us...

I love you so much, and always will, even if I never hold you on this earth.

-mommy

Monday, February 8, 2016

First Milestone

Baby,

It is so hard to explain how much I love you already, and how excited I am that this is actually happening!! But it is also such a scary time for me. Being a mommy (along with being a wife) is the most vulnerable thing I have ever done. It opens your heart up for the most amazing experiences ever, and also some of the scariest. It is hard not to compare this pregnancy to our first little snowflake, but I find myself doing it every now and then. Today is a big deal though! I have officially passed the stage that I first saw blood in my last pregnancy. I keep thinking in my mind, "if I can just make it past this, or this, I will be okay". But in reality, I don't think I'll ever be fully okay. I am a momma, I am always going to worry about you in some ways. Good thing I can pray to a God that listens and hears me, and cares about my life!

A few milestones/specific prayer requests that I have in my mind for this pregnancy are:

- get passed 5 weeks with no bleeding

- see your heartbeat on 6/7 week sonogram

- see your sweet little profile at my 11/12 week sonogram

- start having a little baby bump

- find out your gender!!

- start having a big baby bump

- feel your first kicks

- see your little face on a 3D ultrasound

- hear your heartbeat enough times that I can memorize the pattern

- get passed the point that if you were born early, everything would be okay

- reach my third trimester

- hear your first cry

- breastfeed you for the first time

- watch your daddy, big brother and big sister hold you for the first time


Okay, the list could go on and on. But I am praying and begging God to answer each one of these milestones with this pregnancy. At church yesterday, someone said something that really hit home with me. He was talking about his daughter needing heart surgery, and how he and his wife prayed before the surgery "Lord, if you heal her, we will serve you. If you don't heal her, we will still serve you." This is a powerful place to be, and I can confidently say that through everything the Lord has brought us through, if He answers each one of these milestones, we will serve Him. And if He doesn't, we will still serve Him and seek His direction for our lives. Praying specifically for all of my children today!! I love you all!

- mommy


Thursday, February 4, 2016

18 More Days!

Baby,

My blood work came back perfect again today! That's 4 blood draws this week and excellent numbers each time! This makes me feel so relieved to know that you are growing strong! There are still moments that I get scared that you will meet Jesus before I get to hold you in my arms, but I'm praying non stop each day for peace and strength. I'm praying that you will grow and be a healthy baby that we can meet in just a few short months! And now the next big day I am praying for is the 22nd!! This is the day that we are scheduled to see your heartbeat for the first time!! I will be 7 weeks pregnant that day, so we should be able to see a nice strong heartbeat! Praying that God would give me patience and peace over these next 18 days. Keep growing in there, our sweet little tie-breaker!!

-mommy

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

First Pregnancy Tears

Maddox and Madeline,

My sweet sweet babies. Words cannot describe the joy you bring my heart every single day. I am constantly battling between wanting you to stay little forever, and being so excited to watch you grow up. You are everything I dream of and prayed for and more! It's funny, when I tested positive on Sunday with my first ever natural pregnancy, my only reaction was hysterical laughing. I was laughing so hard my face hurt. But my emotions never went to tears, just extreme joy! The first time tears hit me was last night when it was my turn to pray with you before bedtime. You were sitting in daddy's lap with your hands folded, and I began to pray. Every night when I pray, I pray that you would always know how much I love you, that you would never doubt for one minute the amount of love I have. And for some reason when I prayed those words last night, I started crying. I know you won't read this for a long time, and I'm sure I will tell you this a million times in your life, but I have to make sure you know. I LOVE YOU! I love you just as much as the baby growing in my tummy. Whether my babies came to me through adoption or pregnancy has no bearing on the amount of love I have. I can't imagine my life without both of these things. I am going to cherish these last few months as a mommy of two, and then we will be so excited to watch you become older siblings! I love you with all my heart!!

-mommy

Can't Keep a Secret

Baby,

We had all these plans to wait to tell everyone about you until we got to see you for the first time, but our excitement took over! We couldn't keep the secret any longer! All of our family and friends are so excited about you, and I'm so thankful that we have so many people praying for you already! I had blood work done yesterday and today, and everything is very healthy so far! I'm going to go back tomorrow and Thursday too, and then we will be able to see you in just a couple of weeks!!! Your precious siblings have kissed my belly several times today and they gently rub and say "baby". They will be so excited to meet you! We are praying for you every day, and I am counting down the days until we get to see your sweet heartbeat! 

-mommy