About Me

Hi everyone! My name is Sarah, and I am a Christian, saved and sustained daily by my wonderful Savior. I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Mitch; we got married at 19! I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a co-worker, and a woman that struggles with infertility. God has used this struggle to completely transform my life. I have experienced fear, hope, anxiety, compassion, trust, peace, tears, excitement, pain, laughter, and many other things that come with infertility. But most of all, I have a deeper trust and friendship with my Creator and my husband, and for this, I am forever thankful. The purpose of this blog is for me to remember the ups and downs of this trial, and how my Savior has brought me through it all. For those who have never struggled in this area, I hope this blog will help you see a glimpse into the life of someone struggling with infertility, so that you might better know how to encourage them through these difficult times. I also pray that this blog will help other women struggling in this area to know that you are not alone! There is a river of peace that is found in Christ that can help you through even the darkest of circumstances, I promise!

Friday, June 10, 2016

My Diamonds


My sweet little one year old babies! You will turn two in two days, and I just can't believe it! Time really does go by so fast. I have had the absolute best year of my life! Being able to stay home every day with you has been the best job I have ever had. I just wish there was a way to relive each day with you over and over again, even the tough days! Over the last year, you have both developed the most aborable and loving personalities. I have so many favorite things, but I'll list just a few here..


I love when I walk into your room in the morning and we say "momma" and "bubba" back and forth until you giggle

I love when I put you in your car seat and you reach down for your jeep and say, "jeep, please"

I love just seeing you walk around, remembering how much joy I had when you took your first steps

I love when you point out every Jeep on the road

I love when you ask for sissy when she's not around

I love that you love hats and glasses

I love that you have no fear- no fear of the ocean or the pool, or jumping off the couch, or saying hi to new people, or trying new things

I love that if you get hurt or scared, you cry out my name

I love that you poke your lips out and give the sweetest kisses ever

I love that you pretend the laundry basket is a boat and sing "row row row your boat"

I love when you pretend to be a puppy and stick your tongue out and pant and bark

I love that you are my son, my heart, my sweet baby boy and one of my greatest joys


I love when I walk into your room in the morning, and you quickly lay back down and say "night, night" while you giggle

I love that in the mornings the first thing you ask about is your dada and bubba

I love that you say hi to everyone you meet! You bring everyone around you so much joy

I love that every time you see a picture of s bunny you hop up and down and say "hop hop hop"

I love when we do the hokey pokey together

I love that you play patty cake with your own feet while you're in your car seat

I love the way you burst with excitement every time you see a puppy

I love that you love your colors and tell me what color a toy is when you pick it up

I love that you know all of your friends names at church, and you always hug whoever is crying

I love that you love to read, and that you'll bring me a book and sit in my lap and try to finish the lines of the book for me

I love when you say "hold you, hold you" and "snuggle me"- it makes my heart melt!

I love that you are my daughter, my little best friend, my sunshine, and one of my greatest blessings

A friend on Facebook posted a quote from Spurgeon last week that made me sob tears of thankfulness.

"If the Lord does not pay in silver, He will in gold; and if He does not pay in gold, He will in diamonds. If He does not give you precisely what you ask for, He will give you that which is tantamount to it, and that which you will greatly rejoice to receive in lieu thereof."

Maddox and Madeline, you are my diamonds. You are precisely what God had planned for us, and we rejoice in your sweet little lives every single day! As sad as I am that you're getting older and turning two, I am so excited to see what God is going to continue to do in your lives. I love seeing you learn and grow, and I know the next year is going to be crazy and amazing! I love you more than you will ever know!!


Monday, February 15, 2016

Wait & Trust & See


After leaving the doctors office this morning, we felt like we had pretty solid answers as to what happened to your little life. We spent time praying on the way home and began to process what happened. To make it easiest to explain, my blood work was at 5,500 at the hospital on Saturday. The doctor drew my blood again this morning and said with the amount of bleeding I've had, we would expect it to be significantly less now and on its way back to normal. However, the nurse called me this afternoon to tell me my levels are at 11,000. This can only mean one thing. You are growing, just not in the right spot. As sad and hard as this is, you are growing in mommy's tube, which means our time together is limited right now, and I might experience a good bit of pain losing you. It was already hard enough to know this morning that you were gone, but now to know that you are just growing in a spot that will not allow you to live, breaks my heart to peices.

According to our doctor, this is one of the most rare forms of ectopic pregnancies, so we are obviously scared of what will happen. I'm praying that God will protect me during this time of losing you, and that my heart and body would heal for any future babies the Lord blessed us with. It has been quite the roller coaster these last two weeks, but I trust that we are surrounded by people that love us and you, and we are thanking God for the peace He brings. 

We were praying with one of our pastors today, and once again, a portion of Misery of Job and Mercy of God came to mind. Job is speaking to his wife in the midst of unbearable trials: 

O Dinah, do not speak like those
Who cannot see, because they close
Their eyes, and say there is no God,
Or fault him when he plies the rod.
It is no sin to say, my love,
That bliss and pain come from above.
And if we do not understand
Some dreadful stroke from his left hand,
Then we must wait and trust and see.
O Dinah, would you wait with me?"

We do not understand why God is doing what He's doing. Or why you are growing in a spot that you cannot live. But, I am trying my best to let go of the need to ask God why, and just reflect on His past providence in our lives. We have walked this road before. We have lost a baby before, and God turned our sorrows into dancing. I am confident He will do that again!


Every Life is Worth Celebrating


My sweet little baby. Words cannot even describe the amount of heartbreak we feel right now. You gave us so much hope. Hope that we were able to get pregnant naturally. Hope that our twins would have a little brother or sister. But after today's doctors appointment, the only hope we have is that you are in Heaven with Jesus and with your brother/sister that we lost 15 months ago. I am so thankful that we have that hope at least. That we don't have to fear that you are just gone forever, or that your short little life didn't matter. It did matter, and we will see you again. Maybe not on a sonogram screen, and maybe not in our arms in October, but in eternity we will.

Before I tested positive this time, we agreed, don't tell a sole until we're passed 8 weeks at least. But as soon as I peed on that stick, I couldn't hold it in. I had to celebrate you. I had to tell the whole world, because you are that important and special to us! Some might think it's hard to announce an early pregnancy for this very reason, because then if something happens, you have to announce the loss as well. But I think it was worth every moment that we were able to celebrate your life with our family and friends! And now in this tough time of losing you, we are surrounded by amazing people that are praying for us non stop.

I love you more than you will ever know, and I'm so thankful for my two babies now in Heaven that never have to suffer a minute of pain on earth. Your life is worth celebrating and will never be forgotten!!


Saturday, February 13, 2016

Having Faith & Being Realistic


Today was a hard, hard day. After spotting all week long, I came to grips with the fact that I should wait until my next appointment on Wednesday to get final results on whether you were growing or not. Well, I woke up this morning to a pool of blood. Several large clots, and painful cramping. I really didn't want anything to happen this weekend because your baby cousin was due any minute. I really just wanted you to be perfectly fine, but I also hoped that if anything was wrong, that it wouldn't happen until next week. Well, I went to the ER at 8:00am, had blood work and a sonogram, and waited two hours for results. The whole time I was there, I bled so much I thought there was no chance any more. Even the nurse and Doctor were very discouraged by the amount of clots.

Two hours later, the Dr. came in to tell me that my blood work has continued to go up, though not as much as it had been, and the ultrasound did show a growing pregnancy. Not what I was expecting to hear, but it was good news. I'm thankful that this pregnancy is in the right spot and not in my tubes. Although my whole day has been spent bleeding, and my hope is nearly gone, I am still praying that you are growing and that God can cause healing to whatever is happening right now.

After we left the ER, we went to visit your newest cousin that was born at 8:53am. He is precious, and I'm glad we were able to see him, although the burden of what was happening to us was extremely heavy. I do have peace in knowing you have 4 cousins and 2 siblings here waiting for you if God allows you to grow and be born in October. And if you leave this world before we ever hold you, you have 2 cousins and 1 sibling that you will meet, along with a Savior that you will praise forever.

This waiting game feels all too familiar, but so does the peace that God brings during such a scary time. I love you forever, my sweet little baby.


Thursday, February 11, 2016



Once again I sat in a doctors office, pregnant, bleeding and scared. After a very unsure ultrasound, the dr says to us "well, you can come back in a week for another ultrasound, but it's a 50/50 chance on whether the baby will make it"


Why did God give us this pregnancy just to potentially take it away again? I know it will be worth all the pain if we are able to hold you one day, but in the meantime, this just flat out sucks. I literally just got done writing down a whole list of specific prayer requests for this pregnancy, and not seeing blood was one of my first ones. And the very next day there it was, blood.

We've had two ultrasounds at this point, and neither of them had very good news. Although my blood work is still fantastic, so it's very confusing. All I wanted was a smooth pregnancy, but for some reason that's not what God has planned. I'm trying to get to a point where I don't question His ways, but it's times like this where it's very hard.

I've seen His hand in our life in so many ways, so I know His ways are higher than mine. But I'm just praying so hard that two miscarriages are not a part of His plan for us...

I love you so much, and always will, even if I never hold you on this earth.


Monday, February 8, 2016

First Milestone


It is so hard to explain how much I love you already, and how excited I am that this is actually happening!! But it is also such a scary time for me. Being a mommy (along with being a wife) is the most vulnerable thing I have ever done. It opens your heart up for the most amazing experiences ever, and also some of the scariest. It is hard not to compare this pregnancy to our first little snowflake, but I find myself doing it every now and then. Today is a big deal though! I have officially passed the stage that I first saw blood in my last pregnancy. I keep thinking in my mind, "if I can just make it past this, or this, I will be okay". But in reality, I don't think I'll ever be fully okay. I am a momma, I am always going to worry about you in some ways. Good thing I can pray to a God that listens and hears me, and cares about my life!

A few milestones/specific prayer requests that I have in my mind for this pregnancy are:

- get passed 5 weeks with no bleeding

- see your heartbeat on 6/7 week sonogram

- see your sweet little profile at my 11/12 week sonogram

- start having a little baby bump

- find out your gender!!

- start having a big baby bump

- feel your first kicks

- see your little face on a 3D ultrasound

- hear your heartbeat enough times that I can memorize the pattern

- get passed the point that if you were born early, everything would be okay

- reach my third trimester

- hear your first cry

- breastfeed you for the first time

- watch your daddy, big brother and big sister hold you for the first time

Okay, the list could go on and on. But I am praying and begging God to answer each one of these milestones with this pregnancy. At church yesterday, someone said something that really hit home with me. He was talking about his daughter needing heart surgery, and how he and his wife prayed before the surgery "Lord, if you heal her, we will serve you. If you don't heal her, we will still serve you." This is a powerful place to be, and I can confidently say that through everything the Lord has brought us through, if He answers each one of these milestones, we will serve Him. And if He doesn't, we will still serve Him and seek His direction for our lives. Praying specifically for all of my children today!! I love you all!

- mommy

Thursday, February 4, 2016

18 More Days!


My blood work came back perfect again today! That's 4 blood draws this week and excellent numbers each time! This makes me feel so relieved to know that you are growing strong! There are still moments that I get scared that you will meet Jesus before I get to hold you in my arms, but I'm praying non stop each day for peace and strength. I'm praying that you will grow and be a healthy baby that we can meet in just a few short months! And now the next big day I am praying for is the 22nd!! This is the day that we are scheduled to see your heartbeat for the first time!! I will be 7 weeks pregnant that day, so we should be able to see a nice strong heartbeat! Praying that God would give me patience and peace over these next 18 days. Keep growing in there, our sweet little tie-breaker!!


Tuesday, February 2, 2016

First Pregnancy Tears

Maddox and Madeline,

My sweet sweet babies. Words cannot describe the joy you bring my heart every single day. I am constantly battling between wanting you to stay little forever, and being so excited to watch you grow up. You are everything I dream of and prayed for and more! It's funny, when I tested positive on Sunday with my first ever natural pregnancy, my only reaction was hysterical laughing. I was laughing so hard my face hurt. But my emotions never went to tears, just extreme joy! The first time tears hit me was last night when it was my turn to pray with you before bedtime. You were sitting in daddy's lap with your hands folded, and I began to pray. Every night when I pray, I pray that you would always know how much I love you, that you would never doubt for one minute the amount of love I have. And for some reason when I prayed those words last night, I started crying. I know you won't read this for a long time, and I'm sure I will tell you this a million times in your life, but I have to make sure you know. I LOVE YOU! I love you just as much as the baby growing in my tummy. Whether my babies came to me through adoption or pregnancy has no bearing on the amount of love I have. I can't imagine my life without both of these things. I am going to cherish these last few months as a mommy of two, and then we will be so excited to watch you become older siblings! I love you with all my heart!!


Can't Keep a Secret


We had all these plans to wait to tell everyone about you until we got to see you for the first time, but our excitement took over! We couldn't keep the secret any longer! All of our family and friends are so excited about you, and I'm so thankful that we have so many people praying for you already! I had blood work done yesterday and today, and everything is very healthy so far! I'm going to go back tomorrow and Thursday too, and then we will be able to see you in just a couple of weeks!!! Your precious siblings have kissed my belly several times today and they gently rub and say "baby". They will be so excited to meet you! We are praying for you every day, and I am counting down the days until we get to see your sweet heartbeat! 


Sunday, January 31, 2016

Is This Real Life?!?


My sweet second baby. I am writing this to you while you are growing in my tummy! I can't even quite grasp the words I just typed! Today has been the craziest day in our entire ttc journey. I never thought in a million years that this day would come. That we would be able to be pregnant without any assistance from any doctors.

But today was the day!! Today was the day that the greatest Physician that ever was gave us a gift that we never thought we would receive: a natural, positive pregnancy test!!! Just one month after my surgery, I am sitting here staring at the most beautiful two lines I've ever seen!

Am I excited? Yes! Am I overjoyed beyond words? Yes! But am I scared and nervous? Yes, unfortunately.

I've had a feeling all along that this might be the month. That all it would take was the surgery and then we would be pregnant, but I still tried so hard not to read into anything. Every twinge and cramp and feeling that I had, I tried to talk myself out of believe that this could be it. I had determined not to test until 2 days after my missed period, but all of that changed tonight at my favorite pregnancy test taking location; Walmart :)

Me, daddy and your brother and sister were at Walmart buying groceries tonight, and daddy suggested that I just go ahead and buy a pack of tests just in case. I immediately had the urge to pee, so I paid and took the test in the bathroom while daddy and the kids waited outside. I went into the stall, peed on the stick, and set it down on the toilet paper holder. I couldn't look. I just couldn't bring myself to look right away. I prayed and casually looked over assuming that I would see just one line, but nope, there it was!! Two lines, clear as day!!!!!

One of the most exciting things about you is that you are a total miracle and a total surprise! No one even really knows my exact cycle or that it would be possible to be pregnant this quickly after surgery. We are more excited that we can even express in words!!

Your cousin Zayne will be born soon, like within the next two weeks! Sometime shortly after that, we will be able to see you on a sonogram for the first time! We are praying like crazy for this day! I cannot wait to see your precious little heartbeat!!! Once that day comes, we will be able to surprise all of our family and friends with your amazing story!

Praying that God would protect my heart and keep everything about you safe for your entire life. Praying that we will be able to hold you in October, and that you will get to meet your big brother and sister that we love beyond words!!

It would be so easy to be frustrated that we spent so much money on Ivf, when surgery was clearly the answer. But if we had had surgery 3 years ago, we wouldn't have Maddox and Madeline, and the thought of that makes me sick. I am beyond thankful that God's ways are higher than ours and that He has such an amazingly intricate plan for our lives!! We would go through all of this pain and heart ache again for every single one of our children!

We love you so much!!! I cannot wait for you to join our crazy little family!!!!!