Today was an overwhelming day to say the least. After 12 weeks of waiting, weekly blood work, and praying and begging God to let me finish my miscarriage naturally, I had to have a D&C this morning. When the doctor told me last week that a D&C was inevitable due to my blood work and ultrasound, I will say that was not my finest day. For the past 5 days I have felt like my prayers were worthless, and that God wasn't listening, and that my faith had dwindled down to its lowest point ever. All I wanted was a baby, and that didn't happen. Then all I wanted was an easy miscarriage, and now that wasn't able to happen either.
To be honest, my mind kept thinking through all of these crappy percentages that we kept falling into. Only 10% of couples have to pursue fertility treatments to get pregnant. We only have a 1% chance of natural conception. With our first IVF, we had a potential success rate of 75%, and it still didn't work. When the second IVF finally worked, we only had a 10% chance of a miscarriage, and I had one. Then when I decided to have my miscarriage naturally, the doctor said it was only a 10% chance that I would end up needing a D&C, and I still ended up having one anyways. I just don't understand why we keep falling into the worst statistic possible! On the days when I dwell on these awful percentages, I feel like my faith dwindles down to 1%, and then I feel like I am completely failing as a Christian.
But what I've come to learn through this experience is, God loves me just as much on the days when my faith is at 1% as He does when I'm at 100%. The amount of faith and trust I have on any given day, through any given experience does not determine how much love God has for me. If God only loved His children when we had the perfect amount of faith and trust in His plan, we would all be in big trouble. It is so incredibly comforting to know that even when I doubt His plan, HE STILL LOVES ME. This is such an amazing reminder, and although this reminder came through very difficult circumstances, I am so thankful for it!!
I remember two very vivid things about today. Right before they put me under the anesthesia, I heard the nurses talking about girl scout cookies, (the first thing I wanted to eat after surgery was an entire box of thin mints!) Then as soon as I woke up in the recovery room, I was weeping. I woke up uncontrollably crying. All I remember saying was, "this is not how I wanted this pregnancy to end" over and over again. My amazing nurse stood there with me and held my hand while I was having my meltdown, and then God reminded me of something else about percentages. Laying there in the recovery room, unbearably crying, God reminded me that theres one small percentage that I will always fall into:
Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.
God has saved me and loved me before there was time, and has set me on a narrow road that few will ever walk. No matter what other percentages I ever experiences in life, this is one that I am eternally thankful to fall into. I know this road has been long, and difficult, but I'm positive that when we finally hold you one day, no matter how God gives you to us, it will be a priceless day!! I love you!!