About Me

Hi everyone! My name is Sarah, and I am a Christian, saved and sustained daily by my wonderful Savior. I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Mitch; we got married at 19! I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a co-worker, and a woman that struggles with infertility. God has used this struggle to completely transform my life. I have experienced fear, hope, anxiety, compassion, trust, peace, tears, excitement, pain, laughter, and many other things that come with infertility. But most of all, I have a deeper trust and friendship with my Creator and my husband, and for this, I am forever thankful. The purpose of this blog is for me to remember the ups and downs of this trial, and how my Savior has brought me through it all. For those who have never struggled in this area, I hope this blog will help you see a glimpse into the life of someone struggling with infertility, so that you might better know how to encourage them through these difficult times. I also pray that this blog will help other women struggling in this area to know that you are not alone! There is a river of peace that is found in Christ that can help you through even the darkest of circumstances, I promise!

Thursday, December 31, 2015

It Takes a Village & a Second Opinion

This week has been quite the adventure!! When the end of the year rolls around, it's always a good time to reflect on the year and the highlights of what has happened. Well, I had plenty of time to think about 2015 while I was laying in a hospital bed on Tuesday for 8 hours.




















My year started out in the hospital for my D&C, and ended in the hospital for what could possibly be the best news we've heard through our whole infertility process. Long story short, after our last failed IVF cycle, we decided to seek a few different opinions from other doctors. We saw two new doctors in particular, and decided to move forward with both doctors for some various testing that they had in mind. One of the doctors seemed to think that we should do a laparoscopy on me to make sure that I did not have endometriosis. Although I have very few symptoms of this condition, it was worth having the surgery done to double check and be sure before we proceeded with any further IVF treatment. And since my deductible was covered when I had by D&C done, it was a free surgery!

Well, you rarely go into surgery with the hopes that something will be wrong, but this time, we were praying and begging God that they would find something wrong and be able to fix it. We just wanted answers! Something to pinpoint all of this on and find a solution. Well, after 6 hours of waiting, and nearly 2 hours of surgery, we got the best news we've had this whole process! The doctor found endometriosis and was able to laser off any scar tissue that he found. He gave Mitch the update while I was in the recovery room. He told Mitch that after seeing and fixing what he saw, he believes that we will now be able to get pregnant WITHOUT IVF!! Obviously, this is only the opinion of one doctor, but we are bursting with joy at the thought that this could be the answer we've been looking for all along!! We still have one more blood test that we are waiting to get the results back for next week, but this is starting to look like a really good end to our year!

Although we have spent countless dollars on a procedure that may not have been necessary, we do look back at everything we've been through and know that we have learned and grown through it all. We know that every step we have taken has led us to our beautiful children, and I would go through it all again to be Maddox and Madeline's mommy. We are praying every day that God would allow us to give them siblings, through pregnancy and another adoption!

Also, I am praising God today for the village of people He has given us! I could not have made it through this week without our friends and family! We are surrounded by so many people that love us and our children. From grandparents, to aunts and uncles, to friends that are like aunts and uncles to our children. We are so blessed and thankful for every spend the night, every meal, every hand that helped in our garage, every hand that helped change a diaper and do my dishes while I am recovering from surgery!

Here's to 2016! If the blessings are anywhere close to what they were in 2015, I know we are in for an amazing year! And even better than that, we know that if it ends up being the worst year we've ever experienced, I know that God has prepared our hearts for the good times and the bad. He is our loving help in time of need, and joyful song in time of praise!!


Wednesday, December 9, 2015

My Father Planned It All

Well, I just received official word from the doctor that this cycle failed. As if it wasn't hard enough to take 7 negative pregnancy tests, they also have to confirm with blood work that I'm in fact, not pregnant.

As hard as this is, we're not going to give up. We are going to continue to pray, and seek every means possible to expand our family. I fully believe that God will allow me to experience pregnancy at some point in my life, and that He will also bless us with another adoption down the road. It's actually really amazing me that I have this much hope today. I still have moments of extreme sadness over our situation, but I feel like the best is yet to come for our family.

God has given us so much! And I have no doubt that He will continue to bless us, even through some very hard trials. A sweet friend messaged me first thing this morning that she was praying for us as she listened to My Father Planned It All. So I pull up the song on my phone to listen again, and I just sobbed in the car. It's so comforting that we have a God that comforts us through shade and sunshine, and I am forever thankful for the people that pray for us and love us through these difficult times!

P.S- Times like these make me that much more thankful for or precious children! I am so looking forward to the days ahead where we get to spend our first Christmas with them!! As sad as I am that we won't be announcing a pregnancy this Christmas, I am so excited that our babies have a mommy and daddy this Christmas, and that we have them!!! Best gift I could ask for ❤️


Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Fighting for my children

Well, today was another day that started out with a negative pregnancy test. This failed IVF cycle has affected us just as much, if not more than my miscarriage. It makes us wonder why? Why were we given such high probability of having a baby, and it still hasn't happened? Why is our case of infertility such a mystery to our doctors that have been doing this for years? There really is no explanation for why. All we can do from here is fight for our children and move forward.

I spent all day today calling other offices, researching other doctors and their success rates, and cuddling our sweet children! I could not get through a day like today without them! A friend texted me today and reminded me that this journey of infertility is just one way that us mommy's fight for our children, it just happens to be before they exist. Just like I would do anything for Maddox and Madeline, I will endure the emotional battle and treatments and hours of prayer that it takes for our future children.

I spent at least an hour this morning praying that God would help us know if fighting for a baby is the right thing to do. It's hard to know whether we should just give up, or if we should continue fighting. I think after prayer and a lot of talking and research, we are going to seek other options with two different doctors. We will take our time making any appointments for treatment, but we plan to go to two seminars and open houses to help us get as much info as we can go make an informed decision.

As much as a day like today makes me ask God why? It also makes me remember that He knows exactly what He's doing, and our babies are a constant reminder of that!

Sunday, December 6, 2015

7DP5DT

This third transfer has quite honestly made me not ever want to do a fertility treatment again. I have lost hope that it will ever work. We have spent thousands and thousands of dollars, watched all of our other IVF friends have their babies, and yet here I sit, 4am with a negative pregnancy test, AGAIN.

And although I know it's nearly impossible to get a positive at this point, I still go back and forth in my mind over whether this procedure worked or not. Why do I do this to myself?!?!? Why do I wake up at 4am and take a pregnancy test? Why do I cry myself to sleep over this? One minute I feel a complete peace about never experiencing pregnancy, and the next minute I'm a complete mess over another negative test. One minute I think there's no way I could love another child like I do Maddox and Madeline, but the next minute I so desperately want a big family and to give them more brothers and sisters.

Lord, I need thee every hour, including 4 in the morning while sitting on my bathroom floor.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

2DP5DT

2DP5DT is something I never thought I would understand the meaning to. I didn't think when we got married, or first started trying to have a baby that I would end up knowing every fertility word and acronym there was to know. Basically this means, two days past a five day transfer, which is exactly what today is for me.

I had my third IVF transfer on Sunday. We transferred two healthy embryos! This means that or chance of pregnancy are higher, but also our chances for another set of twins is higher too!! How cool would that be? Two sets of twins!

I forgot how hard this waiting process was though!!! The earliest I can test for pregnancy is 6dp5dt, which is still 4 days away! Or pretty much only 3 if you consider the fact that today is pretty much over ;)

Praying for these two sweet embryos to find a comfy place to call home for the next 8-9 months! I will be so excited to see our first children become siblings to another baby. They already have the cutest interactions ever, so I can't even imagine how precious it would be to see 3 or 4 of our children altogether!!

I know that God is good, whether I end up pregnant or not, and that is why I can close my eyes and sleep peacefully tonight.

I love all of our children!! Our 4 previous embryos that didn't survive, our first little snowflake that we never got to hold, the two embryos that are hopefully settling in as I type, and our two biggest blessings, Maddox and Madeline!!! My cup overflows!


-mommy

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Top Secret Transfer #2

So much is going through my mind right now. I just snuggled and tucked in the two greatest blessings I've ever received. Maddox and Madeline, I will never be able to explain to you how much I love you. You have given me more than I ever thought possible. I knew I wanted to be a mommy, and in my heart I was a mommy to our first snowflake. But oh, the feeling of joy that comes over me every time I hear you say, "mommy", or every time you give me kisses. It's something I'll never be able to write enough words about.

I cannot thank God enough that there are two of you. There is something so insanely precious and special about starting out with two children. I already have siblings for my babies. You are each other's best friends. I will never have to worry that I won't be able to give my child a sibling, because God gave me two to start! He always knows what He's doing!!

But now that I've seen and experienced the joy of becoming a mother, it's going to take quite a lot to make me want to stop having/adopting children. We've already contacted our case worker, and we're not able to go back on the adoption list until it's been a year since we adopted. So, after a lot of prayer and talking, we've decided it was time to try another fertility treatment.

I started my medicine last week, without telling anyone but daddy. We will know within a couple of weeks if I am pregnant or not. This is the first time in over a year that I can honestly say I'm scared. I'm scared of what this outcome will be. I have all of these dreams in my head of being able to tell our families on Christmas that were pregnant. Our next child feels so close, but still so far away.

I am praying that we are able to get pregnant and give you both a healthy brother or sister some time next year! I know you will both be amazing with a new baby. I'm praying now that God will give me a peace about whatever the results are. And that we would be able to expand our family in whatever way He sees fit.

It is comforting to know that even if I don't get pregnant, I have the extreme joy of getting to be your mommy for the rest of the time that God gives you to me! It is a joy I would never trade!!

I love you!
-mommy

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Outgrow

When you think about a birdie
What noises comes to mind?
I think of how you sing so sweet
And make my heart strings chime 

When you think about a flower
What color do you think?
I picture rosy pink and red
Just like your little cheeks

When you crave a yummy candy bar
What flavor makes you drool?
I think of how there's nothing sweeter
Than hugs and kisses from you

When you dream about your favorite things
What is it that you see?
I dream about the precious day
That God gave you to me

When you think about an answered prayer
What story do you choose?
I cannot help but pick the one
That starts and ends with you

When you look at mommy and daddy
I pray you always know
Our love is one big giant thing
You never will outgrow

Friday, September 25, 2015

Half Brother & God's Providence

Babies!

I am so excited to write this blog while you are both sound asleep at nap time. This morning, something really special happened. We met your half brother! He is 2 years older than you, and so cute! He was so so so excited to see you, and you all played together so well. I really pray that you three can always have a sweet relationship!

One really amazing thing is that his parents are Christians too, and they have a very amazing story about how they adopted him. Also, his parents played a VERY important role in you coming home with us, and we didn't even realize it at first.

Back when we first heard about you, there was another family that also potentially wanted to adopt you. We were praying that this family would say no, and that we would be able to have you, and as you know, that's exactly what happened. Come to find out, your brother's family was that other family. The adoption agency went to them first because they wanted to keep the siblings all together, however the parents of your brother are in their late 50's, so they didn't feel lead to adopt two more infants.

They prayed and prayed that the family that would adopt you would be a Christian family, and that they would be willing to keep in contact so that the siblings could grow up knowing each other. God answered both of their prayers! We are Christians, and we desire that all three of you would keep in contact and celebrate the amazing thing that God has done in all of your lives!

It was such a sweet day to hug the necks of the family that graciously and selflessly said no to adopting you. Not because they wouldn't have loved you, but because they knew that another family could give you everything you needed. Without their decision, we wouldn't have been able to adopt you, and I can't even fathom that.

This all just one more reminder of God's providence and how He so perfectly plans the events of our lives! I can't wait for you to know my Savior one day! I love you both more than you'll ever know!!

-mommy
Riding in the wagon!

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Love at First Sight

Babies,

April 10, 2015 is a day that we will NEVER forget! We had received a phone call 11 days earlier that we had officially been chosen to adopt you! Because of scheduling and paperwork, we had to wait 11 whole days before we could get our hands on you. This was torture!! We had such a crazy amount of love for you, and we had never even met you. At this point, all we had received was 1 picture of each of you! It was about an hour after we received the phone call that our case worker sent me an email with 2 photos attached. I was filling up my drink at Firehouse Subs when the email came in. I have never been more excited in my entire life, I'm pretty sure the entire restaurant knew something was up. So these two pictures were all we had to go on for 11 days, and I'm telling you, I examined every tiny detail of these pictures. I will never forget them!


11 long days went by, and the morning was finally here that we got to meet you!! We were literally busting at the seams with excitement and all we wanted to do was hug you and kiss you and snuggle you and never let you go. I was trying really hard not to focus on the fact that this first visit would only be 1 hour long, and then we would have to let you go. Thankfully, you lived with the best foster parents ever, and they let us visit you whenever we wanted up until the day you moved in!

I had so many emotions going on in my head on the drive over to meet you. I was so excited, and also just completely in awe of God's goodness, and how His ways are so much higher than mine. I remembered back to a poem that I had written to you called "Someone I'd Never Met",

And sometimes if I close my eyes
I see it all so clear.
Anticipation fills the room
The day was finally here.
I got to hold you in my arms,
No longer did I miss,
This baby that I longed to meet,
And finally got to kiss.

That day will be an answered prayer
I never will forget.
The day I finally get to meet
Someone I’d never met.

I was weeping in the car as I remember when I was writing that poem, that I pictured myself meeting you in a hospital bed, just like every other mom. But I never imagined in a million years that the first time I would hold you would be in a condo on beachside at the home of 70 year old foster parents just a few weeks after finishing adoption class. It completely just blew my mind how God had worked it all out. He took what I thought would be a day of answered prayer and He knocked it out of the park! He took what I pictured would be a day that I would hold and kiss one baby, and He gave me TWO! And even as I'm writing this out, my heart is exploding with joy remembering that day. I would not change it for the world. I am so incredibly thankful for the beautiful and unique way that we met you both for the first time, and it is a day we will never ever forget!

Here are a few highlights from some of our first visits with you!

First family photo!!!
Daddy's first diaper change

Maddox snuggles on Day 1!
Madeline's first bath time with us!
First bath time with Maddox!
First story time with mommy and daddy!

Madeline and Daddy's favorite book
First family selfie :)



Friday, August 7, 2015

Adoption & Pregnancy

Babies,

I just have a few things on my mind that I wanted to share with you. I know they won't make sense to you now, but hopefully you will be able to read this one day and see a little bit of your momma's heart. There are a couple things that are very common for people to say to me now that we've adopted you.

1. "Oh, now that you've adopted, you'll get pregnant for sure!"

2. "Congrats on your adoption, but please know that I'm still praying for you to have your own baby one day."

Without even realizing it, people can say very hurtful things. This is where you have to learn how to have grace and understanding. Most people we come across have not experienced adoption, so they are just saying things based on what they see, not on what they have personally experienced. I was talking to one of our adopted momma friends, and she told me that at times, we have to learn how to have a "graceful bite". What this means is, we are able to gracefully explain how someone is hurting us with their words, while understanding that they didn't mean to. If we just go on without ever explaining our hurt, it will continue to happen, and others will never have been given the opportunity to truly understand why their words are hurtful.

I want to answer these two statements for a couple of reasons. One of them is, I know that people are not trying to be hurtful when they say either one of those things. And secondly, I want both of you to know how much I love you, regardless of where you came from.

My first thought about the pregnant comment is, it's not true. We have known about you and loved you both for 6 months now, and yet, we are still not pregnant. Adoption is not what causes a pregnancy, not in the least bit. While this might happen for some people, it's not true for everyone. And if someone does know a couple that did get pregnant after an adoption, it wasn't because they adopted, it's because God chose to begin a new life within them at that given time. Adoption is not a secret access door into pregnancy. Adoption is not a step you take to get to the final end result of pregnancy. Adoption is the most beautiful thing we have ever experienced, and we would never view it as a means to somehow get pregnant. Making this statement diminishes the adoption itself, and elevates the goal of getting pregnant. It's as if someone is saying, you've earned 2nd place, now you'll get the 1st place prize for sure next time! Maddox and Madeline, you are our first place prize! I could not imagine being a first time mommy to any other child. You are my dream come true, my answered prayer, and my completely unexpected blessings!

Secondly, when people tell me that they are still praying for me to have my "own" baby, or if they say, "do you still want to try and have your own baby one day?". This can be really hurtful, because I already have TWO of my own babies! You are my own!! Every single thing about you is my own. Your morning giggles are all mine! Your night time snuggles are mine to keep! Every birthday you will ever celebrate will be with me and daddy! There is absolutely nothing about you that is not my "own". God has let us borrow you for the perfect amount of time here on Earth, and I do pray that He allows us to give you many brothers and sisters one day. Whether they come from my belly, or someone else's, all of our children will be our own! Maybe the better question to ask, or prayer to pray would be, "When will you have your NEXT child?" or just simply pray that God would bless us with several children.

I can honestly say that my heart desires a healthy pregnancy one day, and another adoption. I cannot imagine my life without adopting another child. I pray that by the time you are reading this and understanding it, that you will be surrounded by your brothers and sisters, and that you will never ever doubt for one second the amount of love I have for you!!!

-mommy

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

The Beauty and Misery of Mother's Day

Last year on Mother's Day, I sat in the sanctuary of the church I have attended my entire life, and I felt like an outcast. That day was a flat out, crappy day. I sat there and wept the entire service, as I watched baby after baby after baby being dedicated on stage. I looked around the room at the massive amount of pregnant friends that surrounded me, and yet the giant neon sign I wore around my neck still said, "NOT PREGNANT".

It took every ounce of strength I had to sit through the entire sermon about how wonderful it is to be a mother, and how you should honor your mother, and how one of God's greatest gifts to women is being a mother. Needless to say, this was not my most God-honoring Sunday morning.

Then a few months passed, November came, and finally, I was pregnant. One of my first thoughts was how adorable I would look, 30 weeks pregnant, on Mother's Day! Well, God had different plans. Now I'm sitting here, four days away from Mother's Day, and once again, not pregnant. But, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would be celebrating this Mother's Day with my two beautiful adopted children. I still repeat over and over in my mind, "the Lord's ways are higher than mine."

Now, this is not something that I was easily repeating to myself as I was miscarrying our first baby in our guest bathroom on Thanksgiving night. Nor was it a verse that I was easily repeating to myself as I laid in a hospital bed, preparing for my D&C. And it's still not a verse that I can easily repeat to myself as I continue to make payments for a baby I never got to hold. But, it is a verse that brings me comfort in hindsight as I look back at what the Lord has done. If I hadn't lost our first sweet baby, I wouldn't be snuggling our two children on Mother's Day this year, and I cannot imagine Maddox and Madeline spending that day with any other momma! That doesn't necessarily make the loss any easier, but it does show me that God's ways are truly higher than mine. And it gives me confidence when I see others mourn the loss of a child. It gives me peace and strength to know that God will answer my prayers for others that are suffering and in pain. Although it might not be in my time table, or theirs, God is faithful, and our children are a constant reminder of that.

The beauty of Mother's Day is that it is a day to honor and celebrate a wonderful gift that God has allowed us to experience on this earth. It is a day that I can now rejoice in, and a day that reminds me of the faithfulness of my Savior in allowing me to mother my children on this earth. But, the misery of Mother's Day is that there are some that ache very badly on this day. There are some that are only Mothers in their hearts and have never experienced motherhood. There are some that are Mother's to children they never got to hold, that are now at the feet of Jesus. There are some that ache the loss of their own mother or grandmother. And there are some that have experienced all of these things. I've had women tell me that each year when Mother's Day comes, they mourn and miss their baby that they lost decades earlier. This is not a pain that will ever go away, even with the birth or adoption of new child. But as moms, we can have confidence in knowing that our babies in Heaven are experiencing a Mother's Day like none other! And if we put our faith and trust in the Lord, we will celebrate our Savior in eternity with them!

I pray that I will never be so wrapped up in myself, or my children, or my own mom on Mothers Day, that I forget to pray for all of the women that are struggling and in pain. As difficult as it is to weep with those who weep while you are rejoicing, it is our responsibility as believers. It is our responsibility to help carry the burdens of others; to pray for them, and encourage them. So, this Mother's Day, and every Mother's Day, please consider any friends you might have that are struggling with infertility, or the loss of a child, or the loss of their mother. Please pray for them, encourage them, and do whatever you can to point them to Christ, even when it's difficult. That doesn't mean you can't rejoice in your own motherhood, or for your own mother, but even a simple prayer, text, call, or message to someone struggling can change their whole day.

The past two years of my life have been spent trying to rejoice with those that were rejoicing, while I was weeping about my own circumstance. Now, the tables have turned. I am in a constant state of rejoicing over the sweet children God has blessed us with, but I am still surrounded by others that are weeping. I am praying constantly that I would be able to gracefully obey the command to weep with those who weep, even while I am rejoicing. I am praying that part of me will never forget what it was like to be overwhelmed with heartbreak on Mother's Day, that way I can better relate to, and encourage those that are also heartbroken year after year.

Essentially, my reflection on this holiday is- Rejoice with those that are Mother's to children on this Earth, and weep with those that are Mother's to children in Heaven. And even when I have no clue how to do both at the same time, I pray that God would give me strength and comfort me as I rejoice and comfort others.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Twice As Much


"And the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before." 
Job 42:10

Babies,

I don't even know where to begin, but I want to tell you the story of how you came into our lives. This story can only point back to one thing- God! Since we found out about you, my heart has been in a constant state of explosion. I have felt so overwhelmingly blessed that it feels difficult to put it into words, but I will try. It might be easiest to tell this story now by using a timeline, but I can't wait to tell you in person one day!!

July 2014- Mommy and daddy signed up for an adoption class through the state, but received a phone call 2 days before class that we could no longer attend. The state only wanted us to take the class if we were willing to adopt a child above the age of 13. At this time in our lives, we feel most led to adopt a child under the age of 2.

November 2014- Your oldest brother or sister was finally going to make an appearance into this world, but God had other plans. This baby left the world before we ever got to meet them or hold them, and it breaks my heart that I will never be able to see the three of you play together. But, in a mysterious way, God used this event to lead us to you!

January 2015- We signed up for adoption class through the state again, and we were accepted into the class even though we still had the requirement that we wanted age 2 or under. We also applied for private adoption which would allow us to adopt an infant. We prayed that God would either provide a way for us to adopt a young child through the state, or provide the financial means to adopt a baby privately.

February 21 at 4:00 pm- Finished adoption class through the state.

*** The entire time we were in class, they were saying that they typically only have teenagers to adopt, and that the youngest children they will get is around age 9-10. They told us several times that in order to get a younger child, we would either need to become foster parents, or we would probably sit on the list for a few years. ***

February 23 at 1:59 pm- Our case worker called and left us a voicemail that will forever be ingrained in my mind, "Mitch and Sarah, I have a case that I want to talk to you guys about. Give me a call back when you get a minute." I called her back 10 minutes later, and that is when I first heard about you! She told me that there were 8 months twins available, boy and girl!

TWO DAYS! We found out about you in TWO DAYS. Not months, or years, but literally, less than 48 hours from the time we finished class!! That is God!

March 2015- The entire month of March was a roller coaster. We found out that there were 2 other families interested in adopting you too. We pleaded with God, that He would give you to us. Some days, it looked like it was going to happen. Other days, we doubted the possibility because it felt too good to be true.

March 30 at 5:02 pm- The case worker called. I was expecting an update on this day about when they were going to schedule a meeting to decide which family would be adopting you. But I received a very different update than I was expecting. She called to tell me that for several different reasons, the decision had already been made. WE WERE OFFICIALLY MATCHED WITH YOU!!!

I'm sure there will be much more to this story as time goes on, and I can't wait to meet you, and snuggle you, and love on you for the rest of time! One of my favorite things about this story is, this whole time that daddy and I have been struggling to have children, God was protecting you and saving you just for us. If we had gotten pregnant the first month we tried, our baby would have been born the exact month that you were both born. So through all the struggles, all the time spent writing to you, God knew right where you were. And although there were dark days that I just couldn't see, God knew what He was doing. We may have lost one baby, but God was preparing ours hearts to give us twice as much as we had before!

I know that God is not ever required to show us exactly what His plan is. He doesn't owe us an explanation for why He does what He does. But I'm so thankful for times like this, where we can actually see a glimpse of His plan, and see His plan unfold right before our eyes. This whole time, I've been thinking to myself all of the awesome ways that God could write our story. I've been daydreaming about God ending our story this way, or that way, etc. But never in all of my wildest dreams and prayers did I ever imagine it ending this way! God is by far the best story writer I know, and even on the days that He is writing the difficult chapters, I am so thankful for the fact that He knows beginning to end. He knows exactly what we need along the way, and I am forever thankful for a God that blows my little mind, and constantly protects me and pours out His blessings.

God is good on the bad days, and He is good on the good days, and I cannot wait for daddy and I to teach you all of the things that we have learned!! We are praying every day that you would be protected through this process, and that you would be kept safe until you are in our arms! You may not have ever been in my belly, but I promise you, you have made my heart explode with love like nothing I could ever have imagined.

I love you, Maddox and Madeline, and I cannot wait to meet you!!!!

- mommy


P.S- We're going to go broke on baby shoes!!!

  

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Esther & Good News

Baby, 

Over the past several weeks and months, I've felt like all we have received is bad news. Time after time, we were praying for good news, and every time the result was bad... until yesterday! Finally, a prayer that we were praying, God answered in a very obvious way. I went to the doctor for my follow up appointment after surgery and everything has healed and is back to 100% normal in record time! Week after week, I was setting records for the longest miscarriage the office had ever seen, so it was an amazing moment when the doctor told me that I've now set a record for the quickest D&C recovery! Praise the Lord!!

While I was in that sonogram room yesterday, God reminded me of something that brought me peace. He reminded me that He has been with me for the entire 21 weeks that this has been going on. He was in there on the first day of treatment. He was there on the day my pregnancy was confirmed. He was in that room on the day the doctor told us that your brother or sister was no longer alive. And although it didn't feel like it, He was there every single time the nurse had to tell me that the miscarriage was still lingering. And yesterday, He was there when the doctor was finally able to give me some good news! God was there! I might have a love/hate relationship with that sonogram room, and I might not always feel like God is there, but I am so thankful that He is! I am beyond thankful that regardless of how huge my faith is on any given day, He will always be in that room with me!!

On another note, I have some even better news for you! There is a book that I can't wait for you to read one day. It's called the Bible!! I pray every day that the truth in this book would change your life in the same way it has changed mine and daddy's. Sometimes I forget how interesting the Bible can be, but then I remember that God is the best author there is! Today, I read the book of Esther for the first time in years, and it just reminds me over and over again that God's providence is beyond anything that I can imagine. His wisdom is so great that He is able to perfectly plan circumstances far beyond what we could ever imagine. I would never have imagined that I would be dealing with infertility, or that I would have lost a baby, or that I would even be writing this blog right now. But, there was one verse in particular that stood out to me while I was reading Esther. 


Esther never imagined that she would be Queen, or that she would find favor in the eyes of the king, but God used her in a mighty way!! Obiously, I am not a Queen, and God has not used me to save an entire nation of people. But, my prayer for myself during this entire journey is that God would use me in a mighty way, even though I would have never imagined this being my life story. In some small way, I feel like this journey is part of why God created me. He wants to mold me and make me more like Himself, and this is the way He has chosen to do that. And although I feel like I am constantly failing Him, I do think that our journey is part of why we were created. God knew before time that daddy and I would meet, and that we would travel this road together, and that it would encourage the countless amount of people that we've now been able to cross paths with. He sustains us on the days that we feel like there is no hope. And He molds us into vessels for His glory, (even though the molding process is sometimes extremely painful.)

I cannot wait to meet you one day, and read the Bible to you, and tell you all about the ways that God has shaped our lives in preparation for you! And I especially cannot wait to see what God will do in your life, and in your siblings lives! I can't wait to see the moment for which you have been created, and how God will use our children to further His kingdom! We pray every single day that you would have a passion for the Lord that is undeniable, and that you would treasure the truth of His word, in the good times, and the hard times. I love you so much!!

-mommy

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

D&C and Percentages

Baby,

Today was an overwhelming day to say the least. After 12 weeks of waiting, weekly blood work, and praying and begging God to let me finish my miscarriage naturally, I had to have a D&C this morning. When the doctor told me last week that a D&C was inevitable due to my blood work and ultrasound, I will say that was not my finest day. For the past 5 days I have felt like my prayers were worthless, and that God wasn't listening, and that my faith had dwindled down to its lowest point ever. All I wanted was a baby, and that didn't happen. Then all I wanted was an easy miscarriage, and now that wasn't able to happen either.


To be honest, my mind kept thinking through all of these crappy percentages that we kept falling into. Only 10% of couples have to pursue fertility treatments to get pregnant. We only have a 1% chance of natural conception. With our first IVF, we had a potential success rate of 75%, and it still didn't work. When the second IVF finally worked, we only had a 10% chance of a miscarriage, and I had one. Then when I decided to have my miscarriage naturally, the doctor said it was only a 10% chance that I would end up needing a D&C, and I still ended up having one anyways. I just don't understand why we keep falling into the worst statistic possible! On the days when I dwell on these awful percentages, I feel like my faith dwindles down to 1%, and then I feel like I am completely failing as a Christian.


But what I've come to learn through this experience is, God loves me just as much on the days when my faith is at 1% as He does when I'm at 100%. The amount of faith and trust I have on any given day, through any given experience does not determine how much love God has for me. If God only loved His children when we had the perfect amount of faith and trust in His plan, we would all be in big trouble. It is so incredibly comforting to know that even when I doubt His plan, HE STILL LOVES ME. This is such an amazing reminder, and although this reminder came through very difficult circumstances, I am so thankful for it!!


I remember two very vivid things about today. Right before they put me under the anesthesia, I heard the nurses talking about girl scout cookies, (the first thing I wanted to eat after surgery was an entire box of thin mints!) Then as soon as I woke up in the recovery room, I was weeping. I woke up uncontrollably crying. All I remember saying was, "this is not how I wanted this pregnancy to end" over and over again. My amazing nurse stood there with me and held my hand while I was having my meltdown, and then God reminded me of something else about percentages. Laying there in the recovery room, unbearably crying, God reminded me that theres one small percentage that I will always fall into: 



Matthew 7:13-14
Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few. 

God has saved me and loved me before there was time, and has set me on a narrow road that few will ever walk. No matter what other percentages I ever experiences in life, this is one that I am eternally thankful to fall into. I know this road has been long, and difficult, but I'm positive that when we finally hold you one day, no matter how God gives you to us, it will be a priceless day!! I love you!!

-mommy

Thursday, February 5, 2015

His Nest

I toss and turn all through the night
And wonder if it’s wrong or right
Is it a sin to say to God,
“Oh Lord, I think your system’s flawed”
Or will He love me any less
If I blame Him for my distress?

My mind thinks back to servant Job,
I tremble as he tears his robe
And shaves his very head of hair
And cries to God a humble prayer,
“The Lord who gives and takes away,
I’ll bless him even on this day.”

But was it sin for Job to say,
It was the Lord who took away?
And in his weary worship song,
Did this great man charge God with wrong?
Or does God only rule the light?
And Satan triumphs in the night?

Who should I curse when trials come?
I search and wonder who they’re from
Did God devise this scary plan?
Or is this all in Satan’s hand?
Is this dark storm beyond His might?
Or am I solo on this flight?

When questions enter in my mind
His word reminds me, He is kind
Job did not sin when he proclaimed
It was the Lord who took away
He did not charge his God with wrong
When he cried out his worship song

So when I do not understand
The mighty way He guides His hand
I’ll bless the Lord for bad and good
And know that only His hand could
Put me through a grueling test
While still protected in His nest

He only gives and takes away
In order to at last portray
His perfect kindness and His plan
To rescue undeserving man
His will, when times are good or grim
Is so we might know more of Him 


20 Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. 21 And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” 22 In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.

Job 1:20-22

Thursday, January 29, 2015

"Pregnant" but not really "Pregnant"

The most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with in my life is the loss of our first baby. But, when I knew this was happening, all I prayed was for God to let it be an easy miscarriage. Lord, please just let this pass quickly and let my body go back to normal. Every day for 66 days now, I've been praying that my body would go back to its pre-pregnancy levels. Every week I've had to go back for blood work, and every week the results are the same "still pregnant", but not really "pregnant".

Basically, even 66 days after the loss of our baby, my body is still registering the pregnancy hormone. But clearly, I am not carrying a baby anymore. I could pee on a stick right now, today, and see two pink lines. The same two pink lines that I used to dream about, now mean nothing. All it means is confusion. My body is in a state of confusion. Even the nurse that called me today said that I am "setting a record" for the length of time this is taking to go back down to 0.

Up until today, I've been extremely patient about this process. I actually haven't complained about having to go for blood work once a week, and we've been so busy working on our adoption profile and classes that I haven't even really had much time to think about it. We still pray about it every day. We pray that these levels would go back to 0, and that we would be able to continue treatment and maybe even have two babies at once, our pregnancy baby and our adopted baby, equally in love with both.

But today, I'm mad. Today, I'm frustrated and upset and confused, and I just don't understand why it's taking THIS long. When I went in for blood work this morning, I was expecting great results. I was praying all day that the nurse would call me with fantastic news. I should have known that wasn't going to happen. Sometimes, I just want God to sit me down, and write out my future for me, and explain to me what in the world He's doing. Today is one of those days.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain.


Thursday, January 22, 2015

Abba! Father!

Baby,

This past week has been quite the emotional roller coaster. A week ago, I spent almost the entire day thinking about our first baby. We would have known by now if they were a boy or a girl. I could have started decorating the nursery by now. But, God had other plans. As much as I was missing our first baby, last week was filled with excitement too. We officially submitted our application to adopt a baby! We could not be more excited!! It is a really awesome experience to know that we have so much to look forward to, and we are so eager for God to surprise us with His plan for our lives!

Without boring you with the details, we ran into a bump in the road a couple days ago. We received a phone call that we thought was going to put our adoption process on hold. We prayed for God to reveal to us His plan through all of this. We prayed that if we did move forward, that the Lord would provide financially for this adoption, in ways we never dreamed of. We also prayed that if this was God's way of having us hold off, that we would feel a peace about our decision either way. Somehow, in the middle of this anxious waiting, I started reading Romans 8. This is probably one of the chapters in the Bible that I've read the most throughout my life, but sometimes, the Lord reveals new things in His word that pertain to whatever situation you are going through.

I read the entire chapter, but I was completely hung up on verse 15. I could not get it out of my head.

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!"
-Romans 8:15

Just like we want our adopted child one day to love us, and trust us; God wants me to trust Him! He has adopted me! I have absolutely no reason to be afraid, to live in a spirit of fear. I have the greatest adopted Father there is!

We spent two full days praying about this bump in the road, praying that God would take away our fear and anxiety. Praying that He would show us clearly what our next step should be. As we were laying in bed last night praying, I got a text, at 10:16pm. Not only did God answer our prayer, but He made it abundantly clear that we are moving in the right direction! The bump is gone! 

That's not to say there wont be other bumps in the road. I am confident that this is not the last one we will experience. But more so, I am confident that I can cry out, "Abba! Father!" and one way or another, my adopted Father is going to make His plan evident in my life!

We are praying every day that we get to experience the joy of adoption and pregnancy! We cannot wait to see what God has in store for us!! We love you!

-mommy

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Oh The Places You Went

Oh the places you went
In those 21 days
We covered so much
In your short little stay

Of course on the list
Was Chip and Joanna
We laughed in excitement
Right next to G-momma

Then later that night
The Cowboys would play
We watched on the sofa
With your Pappa-J

You met Lainey and Fitz,
Amelia and Jude,
And London's first birthday
Came right on day two

Oh the places you went
A favorite of mine
Me, you, and daddy
Watched the sun rise

Then sat by the fire
So scared and afraid
We thought we might lose you
We cried there, and prayed

Then a trip to the fair
As a family of three
And a wedding of friends
In ole Tennessee

Oh the places you went
The most precious of all
You woke up one morning
Not with me at all

For the very first time
You saw without me
A sight so much greater
Then ever I've seen

I can't wait to see
What your little eyes saw
The morning you woke up
Not with me at all

I promise one day that
When you and I meet
We'll both be forever
At Jesus' feet



First positive test!!!

Dallas game with Pappa-J
The moment before you made me a Mommy 
Ultrasound at your earliest stage of life! Our two sweet embryos!
London's First Birthday!
Wedding in Tennessee!
Watching the sunrise with Daddy

Sitting by the fire with Daddy
Fair trip with Mommy and Daddy!

Chip and Joanna!


Tuesday, January 6, 2015

G-momma

Baby, 

A funny thought just crossed my mind
While tucking you in bed
I sound just like my momma did
When I was just a kid

If I take away the bag too soon
You’ll look at me in sorrow,
“The chips you eat today,
Are the chips you won’t have tomorrow.”

And if you give excuses,
About what happened on the swing,
“There’s never a right time
To do the wrong thing.”

“Obeying is a matter
Of the heart”, you’ll hear me say
Without any hesitation,
You should, “Obey right away.”

If things don’t go just as you planned
Please know, “One day you’ll understand”
And if you’ve had an awful day
You’ll hear me sing, “Trust and Obey”

No matter what the trial is
The most important rhyme,
Don’t ever let your heart forget
 “God is good. All the time.”

And if one day when you grow up
You sound a lot like me
Please pass along these little rhymes
From G-momma and me



You might not understand this one right away, but I promise, one day you will. Everyone that knows your G-momma knows that she always likes to come up with little motto's and rhymes. I can't wait for you to meet her!!

-mommy

Thursday, January 1, 2015

A Place of Abundance

Baby,

I have a few friends that are extra special to me. One in particular has gone through the same situation that daddy and I are going through. This friend ALWAYS encourages me. I know that she has been on her knees for me, and I am so thankful for the perfect little place God created for her in my life. I got such a sweet reminder from her yesterday, and this is a reminder I hope to carry with me forever.

Psalm 66:10-12

For you, O God, have tested us;
You have tried us as silver is tried.
You brought us into the net;
You laid a crushing burden on our backs;
You let men ride over our heads;
We went through fire and through water;
YET YOU HAVE BROUGHT US OUT TO A PLACE OF ABUNDANCE!


Her prayer for us this year is that God would bring us to a place of abundance, and that is our prayer as well! But as I was thinking about this prayer, it made me question what a place of abundance would really look like. 

Would I only be content if our family grows? Is my version of a "place of abundance" only complete if there are children in the picture? How quickly will this place of abundance be seen in my life?

Then it hit me. My place of abundance comes when Jesus is my portion. When I realize that He is all I need. When I trust that He will sustain me through fire and water, and when I cling so tight to Him that the world becomes strangely dim.

I would absolutely love if my place of abundance was also filled with children, and a lifetime of marriage to your daddy, growing old together in our home. And if my place of abundance was filled with family and friends, and my life-long church, and good health. But, that is my version of abundance. What I want more than my version of abundance, is for God to bring me to that place, because I'm confident that His version is far better than mine!

I am praying every day that God's version of abundance in my life would include meeting you, and holding you, and loving on you, and teaching you all of these life lessons. But if for some reason, that isn't in His plan, and I leave this world before I ever have a child, I know that I have a snowflake that I will get to meet at the feet of Jesus!

-mommy