About Me

Hi everyone! My name is Sarah, and I am a Christian, saved and sustained daily by my wonderful Savior. I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Mitch; we got married at 19! I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a co-worker, and a woman that struggles with infertility. God has used this struggle to completely transform my life. I have experienced fear, hope, anxiety, compassion, trust, peace, tears, excitement, pain, laughter, and many other things that come with infertility. But most of all, I have a deeper trust and friendship with my Creator and my husband, and for this, I am forever thankful. The purpose of this blog is for me to remember the ups and downs of this trial, and how my Savior has brought me through it all. For those who have never struggled in this area, I hope this blog will help you see a glimpse into the life of someone struggling with infertility, so that you might better know how to encourage them through these difficult times. I also pray that this blog will help other women struggling in this area to know that you are not alone! There is a river of peace that is found in Christ that can help you through even the darkest of circumstances, I promise!

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Will You Have My Eyes?

Baby,

There are so many questions that go through a mommy's head, but I've learned that over time, those questions will change. For example, when I was a teenager, dreaming of becoming a mommy one day, the question in my head would be, "Is my baby going to be cute?" or "Will I have the cutest baby in the world?" or "Will my husband be cute enough to help me make a cute baby?" It was all about how CUTE my baby would be.

Then when I got married, my questions became, "When should we have children?" or "How should we prevent having children until we're ready?" or "How will we afford children when they come?" or "How many children should we have?"

Then when the struggle to have a child became so real, and dark, and difficult, my questions became "Will I ever have a child?" or "Will I ever be pregnant?" or "Why is God making this so difficult for us?" or "Will I ever have a baby of my own?" "Will I ever be able to hold a child that is the perfect mix of me and Mitch?" "Will my baby have my eyes?"

*The next part of my story requires a bit of a detour. When daddy and I first got married, we had baby fever, for about 2 days. Then while we were away in St. Lucia on our honeymoon, we decided we wanted to wait, and said that in maybe 5 years we would start trying. Then the topic of adoption came up. I always thought it would be really nice to adopt, but my heart for adoption was no where near as strong as daddy's. He was adamant that he wanted our first child to be an adopted child. He felt like that would give us one-on-one time with that child, to really make them feel like they were completely a part of the family. He knew for sure that he wanted our first child to be adopted. I was not sold on this idea.

I was confident that I wanted my first child to grow inside my belly. That I wanted to have a baby shower with a huge belly, and be in the hospital where all our friends and family could come visit you. I wanted to have sonograms and a baby bump and the whole-9-month-pregnant-yards.

*Fast-forward to the day we we found out that our first IVF transfer didn't work. I was desperately wanting my dream of becoming a mommy to come true. Daddy was desperately wanting that dream to come true too. Although he wanted us to have a biological child of our own, his heart was still stuck on adoption. I was never opposed to the idea, I just wanted to put all of our effort into IVF before we even considered adoption.

*Fast-forward to the day after we found out we were pregnant with your brother/sister. Our feelings completely flip flopped. My dream of becoming a mommy was finally coming true. I was finally pregnant. But it wasn't until that moment that I realized how badly I wanted to adopt. And it wasn't until that moment that daddy realized how badly he wanted me to be pregnant with our biological child.

I just kept thinking about the babies that were growing inside of the belly's of mommy's that didn't want them. I wanted them. We could love them, and give them a family, and watch them grow. The moment I got pregnant I realized that what I wanted was a baby, not just a pregnancy. I had gotten so hung up on two week waits, and ovulation, and pregnancy tests, and injections, that I was more focused on seeing two pink lines than I was on just becoming a mommy.

Daddy though, he realized for the first time how excited he actually was to have a biological child of his own. And dreamed of what our baby would look like, and what gender they would be, and who they would act more like.

This is when it his us. Why not do both? Why not knock on every door of parenthood, and trust God to open the ones He is going to open. We found an adoption agency that does not have rules about adopting while being pregnant, and our prayer is to pursue the application process in early 2015. We will still continue to pursue fertility treatments as well, and just pray that God will bless us in whatever ways He chooses to.

Although I am not a parent to a living child yet, I know that there will always be unanswered questions. And that is where faith comes in. I have had to fully put my faith in the One that knows all of my questions before I even ask or think of them. I am trusting that if there are questions that I don't need the answer to, I wont receive the answer. And that if there are questions that need answers, those answers will come in God's time. And although I have no idea how God is going to bless us with children, I have full confidence that He will give us exactly what we need to serve Him best.

And even though I have no idea if you will have my eyes or not, I can confidently say, I don't care. I don't care if you have my eyes, or daddy's nose, or either one of our skin color, I just care that you are healthy and redeemed from your sins. That's it. That's all that matters to me.

I love you so much, even though I have no idea what you will look like!

-mommy

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