There is something that feels different about writing you now. It's almost as if I'm writing to a different person than I have been all year. The first baby I was writing to came into our lives with so much joy, and also left this world more quickly than we expected. It's been just over a week since we lost our first sweet baby, and this week has been filled with a lot of emotions and questions and prayer and silence and tears and peace.
It's almost as if I'm writing to a new baby now. Our first baby has a part of me that cannot be replaced. But, you, you hold a new place in my heart. I am praying that you will be the baby that I will be able to hold, and rock to sleep, and give you a bath, and watch you grow. Nothing will ever take the place of our first baby, but we are praying that you, our second baby, will be one that we spend a lifetime of days with.
We have heard several people say to us over the past week, "So sorry about your loss, but you know, a lot of people lose their first baby and then go on to have several healthy babies." While this is true, we are not viewing our first baby as a "stepping stone" to our future children. The doctor tried to encourage us that although this miscarriage was disheartening, it was a major "step" in our infertility journey. Obviously, to some degree, I have learned to take what doctors say with a grain of salt (especially those that lack bedside manner.) While he might picture our first baby as a "step", I still picture their toes, and fingers, and nose, and belly button, and cheeks, and chunky legs. And I can still smell the Aveno baby lotion that daddy and I picked out just 1 week after we found out we were pregnant. And I can still feel the heartache that we felt, staring at a sonogram screen, as the Dr. told us we had lost our first baby.
A miscarried baby is not a stepping stone. It is a life. A life that made me a mommy. A life that made my best friend a daddy. A life that God has used to impact the lives of so many other people. This baby was so much more than a stepping stone to me. It was our first little snowflake, and it was your first brother or sister. I am praying every day for you and for our other future snowflakes, and that no matter how long your lives are, you will all spend eternity with me, daddy, and most importantly our Savior.
- Hi everyone! My name is Sarah, and I am a Christian, saved and sustained daily by my wonderful Savior. I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Mitch; we got married at 19! I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a co-worker, and a woman that struggles with infertility. God has used this struggle to completely transform my life. I have experienced fear, hope, anxiety, compassion, trust, peace, tears, excitement, pain, laughter, and many other things that come with infertility. But most of all, I have a deeper trust and friendship with my Creator and my husband, and for this, I am forever thankful. The purpose of this blog is for me to remember the ups and downs of this trial, and how my Savior has brought me through it all. For those who have never struggled in this area, I hope this blog will help you see a glimpse into the life of someone struggling with infertility, so that you might better know how to encourage them through these difficult times. I also pray that this blog will help other women struggling in this area to know that you are not alone! There is a river of peace that is found in Christ that can help you through even the darkest of circumstances, I promise!