Bad news. I feel like life is full of so much bad news. All I wanted was a healthy, full term pregnancy. Then after we found out that wasn't going to happen, all I wanted was for the miscarriage to be an easy one. I prayed, and begged God to let it pass easily and without complication. But now, I'm not even sure that is going to happen.
Long story short, after I thought the miscarriage was over, the doctor wanted to check my blood work to make sure my levels had gone back down to my pre-pregnancy level of 0. Kinda funny, all I ever wanted to see was my levels go UP, and now, I'm praying for them to go DOWN. After my blood work last week, they wanted my level to come back at 0, but it came back at a whopping 17,500. Basically what this means is that I still have remnants of your brother or sister inside of me, and they aren't wanting to let go. This would require a procedure called a D&C. The worst part is that this is a $2,500 procedure! We have already spent your entire college fund to try and become pregnant, so to have to pay money to finalize the end of our first pregnancy just flat out sucks.
Tomorrow is mommy's birthday. My 25th birthday. According to my life plan that I had written in stone at the age of 14, I should have my first child by now. Clearly, that hasn't happened. And tomorrow, on my birthday, is when I will find out whether I need the D&C or not. I am begging God for good news. Just this once, please let there be good news.
But, there is a major problem with that prayer. Deep down, I want there to be good news, because I'm scared of bad news. I'm sick of bad news. I hate bad news! But then, this verse comes to mind:
"They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them." -Psalm 112:7
Instead of being scared of bad news, I know that I need to train my heart to trust that the Lord will care for me. He has cared for me my whole life. He has cared for me since the beginning of time. So how can I not trust that He cares for me now? He cares for me even if I find out tomorrow that I need a D&C. Im so glad that this verse came to mind before I get the news tomorrow. I am constantly praying that the Lord would refine my heart, remove my fear, and replace it with full trust in His seemingly confusing plan for my life.
I am so thankful that God is teaching me these hard lessons now, and I pray that it will help make me the best mommy that I could possibly be when that amazing day finally comes! I love you so much!
- Hi everyone! My name is Sarah, and I am a Christian, saved and sustained daily by my wonderful Savior. I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Mitch; we got married at 19! I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a co-worker, and a woman that struggles with infertility. God has used this struggle to completely transform my life. I have experienced fear, hope, anxiety, compassion, trust, peace, tears, excitement, pain, laughter, and many other things that come with infertility. But most of all, I have a deeper trust and friendship with my Creator and my husband, and for this, I am forever thankful. The purpose of this blog is for me to remember the ups and downs of this trial, and how my Savior has brought me through it all. For those who have never struggled in this area, I hope this blog will help you see a glimpse into the life of someone struggling with infertility, so that you might better know how to encourage them through these difficult times. I also pray that this blog will help other women struggling in this area to know that you are not alone! There is a river of peace that is found in Christ that can help you through even the darkest of circumstances, I promise!