I can't describe exactly how I'm feeling today, but I will try and put it into words. It's almost as if I woke up today knowing that the safest place for you to be is in the arms of Jesus. Of course I want you in my arms! And I want to see the look on daddy's face when he holds you in his arms. But it's almost as if I woke up this morning, and I just knew that the safest place for you to be is with Jesus. Momma's intuition I guess.
I hope I'm wrong. I hope I'm dead wrong. I'm praying every moment of every day that God would loan you to us, and that this pregnancy will come to full term and that I would holding my precious summer baby next year! But the comforting thing is, if that doesn't happen, then I will know that you are in the safest place possible. What more can a momma want than for her baby to be safe?
I was listening to The Misery of Job and the Mercy of God again today, and this particular part brought me tears, peace, and comfort.
That morning, early, Job had gone
Alone with sheep and knife, at dawn,
To make his sacrifice. And while
He prayed, God put his heart on trial:
“O man of God, today again
You seek the precious lives of ten
Young souls. Now tell me, with your heart,
Would you be willing, Job, to part
With all your children, if in my
Deep counsel I should judge that by
Such severing more good would be,
And you would know far more of me?”
Job trembled at the voice, and fell
Before the bleeding lamb. “Compel
Me not, O God, to make this choice,
Between the wisdom of your voice
And these ten treasures of my life.
Far better I should take this knife
And mingle lamb’s blood with my own
Than put my children on this stone.
O God, have mercy on my seed.
I yield to what you have decreed.
I know with full confidence that the only way we will lose you is if in some mysterious way, it is good. God wouldn't do it if it wasn't good, and that is why I can sleep at night. I can rest in knowing that God's ways are higher than my ways. And although I want so desperately not to lose you, and I want so desperately to hold you in my arms on July 12, 2015, more than that, I want God to still be the one that is writing my life's novel. I don't want to write it myself. There might be days when I think I could handle it, when I think that I could write the story of my life better than God could, and those days always point me back to the cross. If I were in charge, redemption on the cross would have never taken place.
So, as difficult as it may be at times, I am trusting the Writer of redemption to direct the chapters of my life. I hope I get to teach you these things one day, but if I don't, I will be at peace knowing that you are with my Savior, and that's all you'll ever know.