About Me

Hi everyone! My name is Sarah, and I am a Christian, saved and sustained daily by my wonderful Savior. I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Mitch; we got married at 19! I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a co-worker, and a woman that struggles with infertility. God has used this struggle to completely transform my life. I have experienced fear, hope, anxiety, compassion, trust, peace, tears, excitement, pain, laughter, and many other things that come with infertility. But most of all, I have a deeper trust and friendship with my Creator and my husband, and for this, I am forever thankful. The purpose of this blog is for me to remember the ups and downs of this trial, and how my Savior has brought me through it all. For those who have never struggled in this area, I hope this blog will help you see a glimpse into the life of someone struggling with infertility, so that you might better know how to encourage them through these difficult times. I also pray that this blog will help other women struggling in this area to know that you are not alone! There is a river of peace that is found in Christ that can help you through even the darkest of circumstances, I promise!

Friday, November 28, 2014

All You'll Ever Know

Baby,

I struggle finding the words to type. It's hard to explain the emotion that comes with carrying a baby thats no longer alive. I'm not sure how many more days it will be until I experience the physical side of this painful situation, and although it's too difficult to explain all of the thoughts that go through my mind, I'm going to try and scratch the surface.

I have two main thoughts. One, I miss you. I just flat out miss you. Two, I am so overwhelmingly glad that you are going to spend eternity in Heaven, and that you will never have to face any evil in this world. Those are two very difficult emotions to combine.

I miss feeling like I was your home. I miss the excitement that came with random crying and laughing at the thought of seeing your sweet smile. I miss referring to "us" when I talked to daddy. (Don't worry though, I told daddy every day that you were with me that "we" loved him so much!) I miss the countdown of days until I knew if you were a boy or a girl. I miss the way my face hurt because I just could not stop smiling. I just miss you.

But at the exact same time, I have a peace that is completely unexplainable. I cannot put into words how much peace has come over me these past couple days. We have been showered with love by our family and friends. We have been given a peace by God that truly does surpass all understanding. We have complete peace in knowing that Heaven is your home, and it's all you'll ever know. 

It is such a sweet thing to know that the only thing you will ever have to experience is the glory of Heaven. You will never have to know sin, or pain, or hurt. You will only ever know what it is like to literally sit at the feet of Jesus and be in the presence of an eternity with no sin. It is such a comforting thought to know that daddy and I will join you one day!

In the meantime, we will be forever thankful for the 21 days that we got with you. You made us a mommy and daddy, and you have changed our lives forever. I love you so much, and not a day will go by that I don't think of you and miss you.

-mommy

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

The Sun Will Shine Again

There is a peace I've come to know
It cannot be explained
I thought the sun would bring it, but
It came in with the rain

To watch the sunrise on the beach
Is mommy’s favorite thing
It brings me closer to the One
Who holds it on a string

Our hearts were broken yesterday
So we decided to,
Watch the sunrise one last time
With me, and dad, and you

The only color we could see
Was deep, and choppy grey
Lord, please just let the sun shine through
On this dark, stormy day

But as the lightning filled the sky
I never will forget
I hugged your daddy’s neck so tight
We both stood there and wept

But not the kind of weeping that
You would expect to see
With tears, I told your daddy that
This lightning brought me peace

It might seem odd that lightning brought
A peace, so rich and pure
I know the sun will shine again
Of this, I can be sure

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Far More of Me


Baby,

I can't describe exactly how I'm feeling today, but I will try and put it into words. It's almost as if I woke up today knowing that the safest place for you to be is in the arms of Jesus. Of course I want you in my arms! And I want to see the look on daddy's face when he holds you in his arms. But it's almost as if I woke up this morning, and I just knew that the safest place for you to be is with Jesus. Momma's intuition I guess. 

I hope I'm wrong. I hope I'm dead wrong. I'm praying every moment of every day that God would loan you to us, and that this pregnancy will come to full term and that I would holding my precious summer baby next year! But the comforting thing is, if that doesn't happen, then I will know that you are in the safest place possible. What more can a momma want than for her baby to be safe? 

I was listening to The Misery of Job and the Mercy of God again today, and this particular part brought me tears, peace, and comfort. 


That morning, early, Job had gone
Alone with sheep and knife, at dawn,
To make his sacrifice. And while
He prayed, God put his heart on trial:
“O man of God, today again
You seek the precious lives of ten
Young souls. Now tell me, with your heart,
Would you be willing, Job, to part
With all your children, if in my
Deep counsel I should judge that by
Such severing more good would be,
And you would know far more of me?
Job trembled at the voice, and fell
Before the bleeding lamb. “Compel 
Me not, O God, to make this choice,
Between the wisdom of your voice
And these ten treasures of my life.
Far better I should take this knife
And mingle lamb’s blood with my own
Than put my children on this stone.
O God, have mercy on my seed.
I yield to what you have decreed.


I know with full confidence that the only way we will lose you is if in some mysterious way, it is good. God wouldn't do it if it wasn't good, and that is why I can sleep at night. I can rest in knowing that God's ways are higher than my ways. And although I want so desperately not to lose you, and I want so desperately to hold you in my arms on July 12, 2015, more than that, I want God to still be the one that is writing my life's novel. I don't want to write it myself. There might be days when I think I could handle it, when I think that I could write the story of my life better than God could, and those days always point me back to the cross. If I were in charge, redemption on the cross would have never taken place. 

So, as difficult as it may be at times, I am trusting the Writer of redemption to direct the chapters of my life. I hope I get to teach you these things one day, but if I don't, I will be at peace knowing that you are with my Savior, and that's all you'll ever know. 

-mommy

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Bliss & Pain Come From Above

Baby,

Once again, I'm listening to The Misery of Job and The Mercy of God. I find so much comfort and peace in this poem, it has really been a life changer for me. The most comforting part about the poem today is this section where Job's wife had just told him to curse God and die. This was in the midst of Job being covered with boils, after he lost all of his earthly possessions, including his 10 children. This is Job's response in the poem after Dinah tells him to curse God and die:


O, Dinah, do not speak like those
Who cannot see, because they close
Their eyes, and say there is no God,
Or fault him when he plies the rod.
It is no sin to say, my love,
That bliss and pain come from above.
And if we do not understand
Some dreadful stroke from His left hand,
Then we must wait and trust and see.
O Dinah, would you wait with me?


This is so amazing to me! I do not know how this pregnancy is going to end. Whether it will end in a healthy, beautiful baby, or whether it will end in a miscarriage. But it is so comforting to know that no matter how it ends, God has already planned this chapter in our lives. It is also comforting to know that the same God that brought us the joy of this pregnancy, is the same God that knows exactly how this pregnancy will turn out. 

If He chooses for this pregnancy to end in a miscarriage, and we don't understand this dreadful stroke from His left hand, then we will wait, and trust, and see. And if He chooses to bless us with a healthy pregnancy and baby, we will still trust Him with your sweet little life, because you belong to Him, no matter how many days you are loaned to us. 

-mommy

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Spark of Faith

Baby,

With all of this news since Sunday, I have had a million emotions go through my mind and heart. On Sunday, I was scared and bitter and mad and angry and I pretty much lacked any faith that I would meet you one day. It was not my finest moment. Then, slowly but surely, God did a work in my heart, right in front of my eyes! He gave me peace, and strength, and comfort that literally surpass all understanding. As you know, one of my favorite poems by John Piper, The Misery of Job and The Mercy of God is something that I listen to often. Today was the third time I have listened to it this week. One of the sections stuck out to me most


Sometimes the spark of faith is slight
And does not make the darkness bright.
But keep it lit and you will find:
Far better this than being blind.
One little flame when all is night,
Proves there is such a thing as Light.
Remember now the place and price
Where Jesus promised paradise.
One answered prayer when all is gone,
Will give you hope to wait for dawn.


My spark of faith today is that I am pregnant. I AM PREGNANT. Words I never thought I would type. Words that I thought were so far out of the realm of possibility. Today, I am so thankful for this pregnancy. I am so thankful that my deep, dark, scary days of wondering if my body was capable of pregnancy are shattered. Those fears are gone! Even though this spark of faith doesn't fully make the darkness of this situation bright, it gives me hope to wait for dawn. 

- mommy


Monday, November 17, 2014

Coin Toss

A coin toss is a harmless thing
One might be prone to say
Fifty-Fifty are the odds
On any given day

I’d take my chances with a coin
If stakes were not so high
I’d let a flip determine where
To eat my pizza pie

If heads or tails were used to pick
What shoes to wear that day
I’d gladly flip the little coin
And care less either way

Or maybe in a game that’s played
A coin is used to prove
The winner of the simple toss
Determines the first move   

But when a doctor says to you
A coin toss will decide
The future of this little life
You’re carrying inside

That is no coin toss I can make
As hard as it may be,
I lay this coin at Jesus’ feet,
Far better Him than me.

He knows the outcome of the toss
Before the coin is shown
And while we wait for heads or tails
There’s comfort at His throne

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Just a Closer Walk With Thee

Baby,

Today was a scary day, filled with fear, then relief, but I still feel anxious and nervous that there could be something wrong with you. And the hardest part is, there is nothing I can do to help you. So thankful that even when I'm unable to help you, I can pray. I can run to the feet of Jesus and pray.

Long story short, this morning, as daddy and I were texting about all of the things we were so excited about, I went to the bathroom to take my morning medicine. And there it was, blood. The scariest thing that I pregnant woman can see. The one thing I didn't think I was going to have to see again for a very very long time. My heart immediately dropped. I called daddy to let him know, and then called the doctor right away. The nurse told me to get my feet up as quickly as I could, and she would talk to the doctor and call me back. So my first thought was to lay on the ground asap. I laid on the bathroom floor and propped my feet up on the toilet. I didn't even care that I was laying on a bathroom floor.

There I was, 10 days after I got the best news of my life, laying on a bathroom floor, surrounded with fear. Just 8 days after I had taken a positive pregnancy test in this same bathroom stall just for the heck of it. It was 57 minutes before the nurse called me back. 57 long minutes, laying on the floor of my work bathroom. I spent those 57 minutes texting daddy, and multiple other people that I knew would pray for me and for you. And for some reason, in those 57 minutes, there was a song that popped into my head that I just couldn't erase.


Just a closer walk with Thee,
Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,
Daily walking close to Thee,
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.

Jesus doesn't want me to stray too far away from him now that I'm pregnant. He wants me to stay close, every single day. I want to rely on Him and His promises. His promise that He will never leave me, and He will do everything in my life for my good, even if those things don't make sense at the time.

57 minutes felt like an eternity, but that was exactly the amount of time that God needed to remind me to stay close to Him. My plea, laying on that bathroom floor, was to have a closer walk with Jesus through this entire journey. The nurse called, and said they wanted me to come in for blood work to check and see if my hormone levels were going up appropriately. They drew my blood around 9:40, and told me they would call by 1:00 with the results. They wanted my level to be at least 700-800, but even more was better. At 11:58, the nurse called to tell me that my level was at 1591!!! At this point, all the bleeding had stopped, and the nurses and doctors feel confident that the bleeding is just a reaction from the medication I am on, and that everything with the pregnancy is perfectly fine. 

As ecstatic as I am that the results came back better than expected, I still just have an uneasy feeling. As a mommy, I want to do everything I can to protect you, and make sure you are okay, and I just feel a bit helpless right now. But, as helpless as I feel, I know that through every trial and bump in the road, it brings me closer and closer to my Savior, and that is always a safe place to be!

Praying with every ounce in me!

-mommy 

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Overwhelming Tears of Joy

Baby,

Today was such a good day! There have been several times since we found out about you that I have had moments of just absolutely overwhelming laughing and crying at the same time. Totally out of nowhere I will just start crying and laughing, which makes daddy laugh at me because I just cannot control this emotion of sheer joy.

Today, I had one of those moments. We decided to go shopping at the outlets today in Tennessee, and for some reason, the moment we pulled into the parking lot, I was covered in tears and laughter, and just couldn't stop. I had a memory pop into my mind. Six months ago, we were at these same outlets with Aunt Hope and Uncle Jordan. We were shopping for things here and there, and all I could picture was you, everywhere I looked. Towards the end of shopping, I took a moment to myself and went to the bathroom and had a very short pity party (I try to make them as few and far between as possible).

And now, 6 months later, at the same outlets that I had a meltdown because I didn't know if I would ever get to meet you or not, I was having a joyful meltdown because you were finally with me, in my belly. It is little moments like this that make me thankful for our wait. The joy that I am experiencing now is so much greater than it would have been if we had gotten pregnant that first month we started trying.

I am praying for your sweet little heartbeat, and toes, and fingers, and belly button, and nose, and every single little part of you. I will never be able to fully explain how much joy you have already brought me! I LOVE YOU!!

-mommy

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Redeeming the Bathrooms

Baby,

Today, I did something kind of crazy, but totally fun and worth it! I have 4 main bathrooms that are my "go to" bathrooms for taking pregnancy tests. CVS, Walmart, my work bathroom, and our master bathroom. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen a negative result in all 4 of those bathrooms. I have cried a lot of tears in every single one of those bathrooms. But today, I was on a mission. I was going to redeem those bathrooms! I was going to replace all of those sad memories with new ones.

I had already checked CVS off the list with my first ever positive pregnancy test. But I had 3 more bathrooms to go. I woke up this morning, and took a test in my master bathroom first thing. Those two pink lines will never get old, ever!! Then around lunchtime today at work, I took a few minutes to take a test in the big stall at my work bathroom. Still loved seeing those 2 lines show up, especially in that bathroom! Then, after work I decided to go to Walmart and buy a digital pregnancy test because I just wanted to see those priceless words show up "Pregnant". This bathroom was also a success!!

I know it sounds like your mommy is a little crazy, but you will just have to get used to that :) I do everything that I do with all my heart. I love with all my heart, I get excited, I get sad, I get worried, I get overjoyed, and you never have to guess how I am feeling. I am an open book, and that is something that I hope you get from me. Although, there are a lot more qualities that I hope you get from daddy.

Today was such a good and exciting day! It still seems unreal that I am actually able to pee on a stick and the result is positive. I am so thankful for days like today, but I probably need to stop spending so much money on pregnancy tests, and start working on your room!

I love you so much, and I pray for you every single day!

-mommy

Monday, November 3, 2014

Two Pink Lines!!!!

Babies/Baby,

I cannot even begin to come up with the words to describe today to you, all I can say is that I've never laughed so much in my entire life. Today was full of joy, excitement, tears, laughter, relief, and so many other things. Today, for the first time, I peed on a stick and saw TWO PINK LINES!!!!!!!

Let me give you a timeline of the BEST DAY EVER!

7:00am- Woke up, got dressed and ready for work, and totally fought the urge to take a pregnancy test

8:00am- Got to work, re-counted the days over and over again to make sure that I was 8dp5dt (8 days past a 5 day transfer is a pretty accurate day to take a pregnancy test during an IVF cycle, although doctors recommend that you wait until 10dp5dt).

11:00am- I couldn't stand it anymore, I left work, went to CVS, bought a 2 pack of pregnancy tests, and headed straight for the CVS bathroom (this is one of 4 locations that I've taken the most amount of pregnancy tests in my life)

11:10am- Sat on the toilet at CVS, opened the box, unwrapped the test, peed on the stick, set it flat on the floor as I got up to wash my hands.

11:12am- Bent down on the floor to pick up the test, convincing myself that I was going to see the same old 1 pink line that I always see, and there it is. The most beautiful two pink lines I've ever seen in my life. I couldn't even stand up. I sat on that CVS bathroom floor and laughed and cried and stared at that beautiful stick for the next 5 minutes.

11:20am- Texted daddy to see if I could pick him up to go to lunch because I didn't want leftovers for today. We went to lunch, then I told him we needed to stop by Toys R Us because we needed to get our nieces and nephew a winter hat. As we pulled into Toys R Us, I parked in the Expectant Mothers parking spot, and handed daddy the positive test!! This was as creative as I could get with the little amount of time I had to plan!

We surprised both of our families around dinner time tonight, and they couldn't be happier! Everyone cried, and laughed, and hugged. I think my face hurts from smiling so much today, and my back hurts from how tight I've been hugging everyone! We did it!!! We knocked everyone's socks off!!!!!

Daddy and I pray together every night, and tonights prayer was one that I will never forget. Neither one of us could stop laughing and crying at the same time! We are so thankful for this pregnancy, and for the 1 or 2 babies that I'm carrying right now, and for all of the love and support from our families. But most of all, I am so thankful that God had this all planned out. He knew exactly how this was all going to fit together and play out in our lives. We are trusting and praying that this would be a healthy pregnancy, and that we would be able to see your precious heartbeat(s) in just a couple of weeks!!!

-MOMMY!! :) :)