This has by far been the most difficult week of my life. In no way do I ever expect to be able to wrap all of my emotions into one blog post. There are things that I can literally feel God teaching me throughout the day, it is just so hard to explain because of the emotional roller coaster that is attached to the situation. There are some moments when I just feel silent. Where I just feel like I literally can't speak even if I open my mouth and try to. There are moments when I cannot even breath because I go from laughing about something at work to crying more than I ever thought was humanly possible. Then at times I feel at peace, when I can actually, literally, feel the peace of God calming my heart.
But in all of these emotions, and in all of little things I do throughout the day to distract my thoughts, it all boils down to fear. I am scared to death to go down this road any further. What if we choose one path to try, and it doesn't work? What if we choose the most expensive treatment out there, and it doesn't work? What if we try the treatment over and over, and it still doesn't work? What if I never get to see you in person like I've always pictured you in my head?? What if we never get to hold a baby that has the perfect combination of features of me and daddy.
With all of those thoughts running through my mind all throughout the day, I still have a daydream. A daydream about the day that we do find out we are pregnant. A daydream about getting to tell your daddy the greatest news he's ever heard in his life. I can picture it in my head. I dream about that day, every day.
The news that we got this week has been the most heart breaking news through this whole process. But it has been amazing to watch how your daddy has handled it. He is the most perfect person for our family, and somehow going through all of this just proves that to me over and over again.
One thing that has gotten me through this week is my favorite John Piper thing to listen to, The Misery of Job and The Mercy of God. It is a beautiful poem about the life of Job. This has been the part that I have listened to over and over again:
“So you think God was kind to make
You sick,” Jemimah asked, “and take
Away your health and all your sons
And friends, and daughters – all the ones
"Jemimah, what I think
Is this: The Lord has made me drink
The cup of his severity
That he might kindly show to me
What I would be when only he
Remains in my calamity.
Unkindly he has kindly shown
That he was not my hope alone.”
O, Papa, do you mean your friends
"No, no, my child, to cleanse
An upright heart of toxic stains
With searing irons is not like chains
Laid on the soul in penalty
For guile and crimes no one can see.
No, they were wrong. And kindly has
The Lord rebuked good Eliphaz,
And I have prayed for him, and all
Is well. You see, their minds were small,
And they could not see painful times
Apart from dark and hidden crimes.
Beware, Jemimah, God is kind,
In ways that will not ﬁt your mind.
It’s getting late, Jemimah, come,
I think I hear the bedtime drum.
My little theologian deep,
It’s time to say good night and sleep.”
We tend to blame ourselves, or others when they are going through a trial. And its easy to think that it's something we've done to deserve what is happening to us. But I can say this, we have searched our hearts, and I know that God is doing a work in our lives. He is not punishing us, or holding out on us, I fully believe that He is preparing us for something even greater than our minds can think of.
I feel like I miss you, even though I've never met you. I love you so much, and I know that your presence one day is going to be an answered prayer in the hearts of many people. I can't wait for you to read this one day and see how God used you before you were even born to show His mercy and to bring your daddy and I closer to Him.