About Me

Hi everyone! My name is Sarah, and I am a Christian, saved and sustained daily by my wonderful Savior. I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Mitch; we got married at 19! I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a co-worker, and a woman that struggles with infertility. God has used this struggle to completely transform my life. I have experienced fear, hope, anxiety, compassion, trust, peace, tears, excitement, pain, laughter, and many other things that come with infertility. But most of all, I have a deeper trust and friendship with my Creator and my husband, and for this, I am forever thankful. The purpose of this blog is for me to remember the ups and downs of this trial, and how my Savior has brought me through it all. For those who have never struggled in this area, I hope this blog will help you see a glimpse into the life of someone struggling with infertility, so that you might better know how to encourage them through these difficult times. I also pray that this blog will help other women struggling in this area to know that you are not alone! There is a river of peace that is found in Christ that can help you through even the darkest of circumstances, I promise!

Monday, May 26, 2014

Hargradams Getaway

Baby,

Right now your daddy and I are in Tennessee with Aunt Hope and Uncle Jordan, a much needed getaway! It's so fun to have friends to hang out with and go on vacation with. But I'm reminded of you everywhere I look. We've gone shopping a lot this weekend and I constantly see things that I want to buy for you. I feel hopeful today that this could be the month. I know that most likely my hopeful outlook will be disappointed when I realize in a couple weeks that this wasn't the month, but it keeps me sane to stay hopeful. If it does happen this month, then that means you were conceived on vacation! How perfect would that be :)

One of the main reasons why we are hopeful that this is the month is because if it's not the month, then I have to have a vaccine done before the specialist will see us for further treatment. Which means for 30 days we will have to prevent pregnancy. The exact opposite of what we've been trying to do all these months.

If that is what happens, then I will have to have a vaccine done, wait 30 days, and then we can have our first round of fertility treatments done.

We are praying every day that you would come into our lives quickly, but that if that isn't God's plan, we would rest in knowing His timing is better than ours.

-mommmy

P.S. Also, if you are conceived this month, you'll be able to wear the St. Patrick's day outfit we bought for you to match your cousin Jude!

Monday, May 12, 2014

Three

I think about you every day
And for you I will always pray
But then at times I stop and think
Will you be dressed in blue or pink?
You feel so far away some days
But then at times I see your face
You have your daddy’s perfect nose
Regretfully, your momma’s toes

But I have some good news for you
There is a God that’s always true
He plans beginning to the end
And knows the very moment when
Your heart will beat for the first time
And when you’ll cry your hearts last cry

And even when your heart is scared
There is a God that’s always there
He’s comforting in times of need
And grants a peace that’s like a stream
Of mercy that will never end
This God, my love, He is your friend

I cannot wait to share one day
And teach your little heart to pray
That even when all hope is lost
There stands a bloody wooden cross
Where this same God who is your friend
He bled until the very end

This God, you see, He has a plan
And although we are only man
He wants to hear our deepest cry
Our tears He always longs to dry
So I lay down at night to pray
And dream about the precious day
Of when I’ll finally get to see
You turn our family into three

Friday, May 2, 2014

God is kind, in ways that will not fit your mind

Baby,

This has by far been the most difficult week of my life. In no way do I ever expect to be able to wrap all of my emotions into one blog post. There are things that I can literally feel God teaching me throughout the day, it is just so hard to explain because of the emotional roller coaster that is attached to the situation. There are some moments when I just feel silent. Where I just feel like I literally can't speak even if I open my mouth and try to. There are moments when I cannot even breath because I go from laughing about something at work to crying more than I ever thought was humanly possible. Then at times I feel at peace, when I can actually, literally, feel the peace of God calming my heart.

But in all of these emotions, and in all of little things I do throughout the day to distract my thoughts, it all boils down to fear. I am scared to death to go down this road any further. What if we choose one path to try, and it doesn't work? What if we choose the most expensive treatment out there, and it doesn't work? What if we try the treatment over and over, and it still doesn't work? What if I never get to see you in person like I've always pictured you in my head?? What if we never get to hold a baby that has the perfect combination of features of me and daddy.

With all of those thoughts running through my mind all throughout the day, I still have a daydream. A daydream about the day that we do find out we are pregnant. A daydream about getting to tell your daddy the greatest news he's ever heard in his life. I can picture it in my head. I dream about that day, every day.

The news that we got this week has been the most heart breaking news through this whole process. But it has been amazing to watch how your daddy has handled it. He is the most perfect person for our family, and somehow going through all of this just proves that to me over and over again.

One thing that has gotten me through this week is my favorite John Piper thing to listen to, The Misery of Job and The Mercy of God. It is a beautiful poem about the life of Job. This has been the part that I have listened to over and over again:
  

“So you think God was kind to make
You sick,” Jemimah asked, “and take
Away your health and all your sons
And friends, and daughters – all the ones
You loved?”

"Jemimah, what I think
Is this: The Lord has made me drink 
The cup of his severity
That he might kindly show to me 
What I would be when only he
Remains in my calamity.
Unkindly he has kindly shown
That he was not my hope alone.”

O, Papa, do you mean your friends 
Were right?”

"No, no, my child, to cleanse
An upright heart of toxic stains
With searing irons is not like chains
Laid on the soul in penalty
For guile and crimes no one can see.
No, they were wrong. And kindly has
The Lord rebuked good Eliphaz,
And I have prayed for him, and all 
Is well. You see, their minds were small,
And they could not see painful times
Apart from dark and hidden crimes.
Beware, Jemimah, God is kind,
In ways that will not fit your mind.
It’s getting late, Jemimah, come,
I think I hear the bedtime drum.
My little theologian deep,
It’s time to say good night and sleep.”


We tend to blame ourselves, or others when they are going through a trial. And its easy to think that it's something we've done to deserve what is happening to us. But I can say this, we have searched our hearts, and I know that God is doing a work in our lives. He is not punishing us, or holding out on us, I fully believe that He is preparing us for something even greater than our minds can think of. 

I feel like I miss you, even though I've never met you. I love you so much, and I know that your presence one day is going to be an answered prayer in the hearts of many people. I can't wait for you to read this one day and see how God used you before you were even born to show His mercy and to bring your daddy and I closer to Him. 

-mommy