I cannot explain the way I felt when I woke up this morning. The only possible reason for the way I felt was God. I have more peace and joy than I have felt in 9 months. I can feel the mercy of God more today that I have in 9 months. I feel like a huge, gigantic weight has been lifted off of my back. A few months ago I thought to myself, the only way I will feel this weight lift is when I finally get pregnant. I was wrong. In fact, since my last post, I have gotten even worse news from my blood work, but somehow I am at peace.
Somehow I just know that God is bigger than all of this. That His reason for making us wait is more perfect than I could ever imagine. When I told your daddy this morning that I felt this way, he said, "you don't know how long I've been praying and waiting to hear you say that."
It really is an answer to prayer to have this much peace, even if it is only short lived. Even if in 1 week I'm back to being sad and overwhelmed with fear. The peace I have right now in this moment proves to me that God answers prayers. And the whole purpose of me writing to you is not just so you can look back at this one day and know how loved and prayed for you were, but it's so that I can go back and read through these posts and remind myself that God is good, and He has all of this figured out in a way that will one day blow my mind.
The lyrics of this song explain exactly how I feel today:
And when I delight myself in You
You give me the desires of my heart,
When I confess that You know best
Peace flows like a river and joy comes in the morning
I literally have a river of peace, and I am full of joy this morning, even though I have absolutely no clue when I will meet you. And even though scientifically speaking, you are more out of reach now then you've ever been. Even though I now know that I will not be an expecting mother by the time Mother's Day comes this year. Even though I know that it's now going to be that much harder to get pregnant. Somehow, I have peace. Somehow, I woke up joyful.
Thank you Lord, for mornings like these. Your mercies are new each day!