About Me

Hi everyone! My name is Sarah, and I am a Christian, saved and sustained daily by my wonderful Savior. I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Mitch; we got married at 19! I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a co-worker, and a woman that struggles with infertility. God has used this struggle to completely transform my life. I have experienced fear, hope, anxiety, compassion, trust, peace, tears, excitement, pain, laughter, and many other things that come with infertility. But most of all, I have a deeper trust and friendship with my Creator and my husband, and for this, I am forever thankful. The purpose of this blog is for me to remember the ups and downs of this trial, and how my Savior has brought me through it all. For those who have never struggled in this area, I hope this blog will help you see a glimpse into the life of someone struggling with infertility, so that you might better know how to encourage them through these difficult times. I also pray that this blog will help other women struggling in this area to know that you are not alone! There is a river of peace that is found in Christ that can help you through even the darkest of circumstances, I promise!

Monday, April 21, 2014

Joy comes in the morning

Baby,

I cannot explain the way I felt when I woke up this morning. The only possible reason for the way I felt was God. I have more peace and joy than I have felt in 9 months. I can feel the mercy of God more today that I have in 9 months. I feel like a huge, gigantic weight has been lifted off of my back. A few months ago I thought to myself, the only way I will feel this weight lift is when I finally get pregnant. I was wrong. In fact, since my last post, I have gotten even worse news from my blood work, but somehow I am at peace.

Somehow I just know that God is bigger than all of this. That His reason for making us wait is more perfect than I could ever imagine. When I told your daddy this morning that I felt this way, he said, "you don't know how long I've been praying and waiting to hear you say that."

It really is an answer to prayer to have this much peace, even if it is only short lived. Even if in 1 week I'm back to being sad and overwhelmed with fear. The peace I have right now in this moment proves to me that God answers prayers. And the whole purpose of me writing to you is not just so you can look back at this one day and know how loved and prayed for you were, but it's so that I can go back and read through these posts and remind myself that God is good, and He has all of this figured out in a way that will one day blow my mind.

The lyrics of this song explain exactly how I feel today:

And when I delight myself in You
You give me the desires of my heart,
When I confess that You know best
Peace flows like a river and joy comes in the morning

I literally have a river of peace, and I am full of joy this morning, even though I have absolutely no clue when I will meet you. And even though scientifically speaking, you are more out of reach now then you've ever been. Even though I now know that I will not be an expecting mother by the time Mother's Day comes this year. Even though I know that it's now going to be that much harder to get pregnant. Somehow, I have peace. Somehow, I woke up joyful.

Thank you Lord, for mornings like these. Your mercies are new each day!

-mommy


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Punch in the gut

Hi baby,

It's been so long since I've written to you. Partially because lately I just feel so disconnected and far away from you. Some months I feel like I will meet you in no time at all, and lately I feel like I can't even picture your sweet face anymore.

A lot has happened since my last post. The hardest thing that's happened was when the doctor punched me in the gut at my last appointment. She didn't actually punch me in the gut, but that's exactly what it felt like. I was expecting to go to my appointment and have a very simple problem with a very simple solution. This was not the case. The issue is bigger than I imagined and the solution is a lot more complicated than we were expecting. But then again, this entire thing has been bigger and more complicated than we expected. Basically, it is not impossible to get pregnant by any means, it is just going to be a lot more difficult than the doctor originally expected.

We got this news on the day before our big trip to Ireland. Needless to say, this was a perfectly timed trip. We had an amazing time, even though I did start my period while we were over there. Funny thing about our trip was that the food was horrible while we were there! We couldn't even find decent food at the grocery store. So for this month at least, our Hawaiian sweet roll tradition was broken. The sad thing is, even when the doctor told me this news, I was still holding on to some amount of hope that I wouldn't start my period in Ireland. That we would find out we were pregnant there, and that it would top off the most amazing trip of our lives.

My brain is scattered and I don't know what else to say other than today my sadness turned into anger. I have spent my morning going back and forth between being sad and just being flat out angry. I hate when I get like this. I hate when I can see sin taking over my heart in a new way. But I can say, today was the first time that I read back over some of my old messages to you, and it really did give me peace. Each month that goes by has been very painful, but it doesn't seem like that long ago that I started this blog. It seems like an eternity, but at the same time it does feel like we are getting closer and closer to answers and a positive pregnancy test.

I read something today from John Piper that I don't want to forget about next time I am having a moment:

"We can draw no deadlines for God. He hastens or He delays as He sees fit. And His timing is all-loving toward His children. Oh, that we might learn to be patient in the hour of darkness. I don't mean that we make peace with darkness. We fight for joy. But we fight as those who are saved by grace and held by Christ"

I love you baby, even when you feel further away than you ever have before!

-mommy