About Me

Hi everyone! My name is Sarah, and I am a Christian, saved and sustained daily by my wonderful Savior. I am a wife to my high school sweetheart, Mitch; we got married at 19! I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt, a co-worker, and a woman that struggles with infertility. God has used this struggle to completely transform my life. I have experienced fear, hope, anxiety, compassion, trust, peace, tears, excitement, pain, laughter, and many other things that come with infertility. But most of all, I have a deeper trust and friendship with my Creator and my husband, and for this, I am forever thankful. The purpose of this blog is for me to remember the ups and downs of this trial, and how my Savior has brought me through it all. For those who have never struggled in this area, I hope this blog will help you see a glimpse into the life of someone struggling with infertility, so that you might better know how to encourage them through these difficult times. I also pray that this blog will help other women struggling in this area to know that you are not alone! There is a river of peace that is found in Christ that can help you through even the darkest of circumstances, I promise!

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Will You Have My Eyes?

Baby,

There are so many questions that go through a mommy's head, but I've learned that over time, those questions will change. For example, when I was a teenager, dreaming of becoming a mommy one day, the question in my head would be, "Is my baby going to be cute?" or "Will I have the cutest baby in the world?" or "Will my husband be cute enough to help me make a cute baby?" It was all about how CUTE my baby would be.

Then when I got married, my questions became, "When should we have children?" or "How should we prevent having children until we're ready?" or "How will we afford children when they come?" or "How many children should we have?"

Then when the struggle to have a child became so real, and dark, and difficult, my questions became "Will I ever have a child?" or "Will I ever be pregnant?" or "Why is God making this so difficult for us?" or "Will I ever have a baby of my own?" "Will I ever be able to hold a child that is the perfect mix of me and Mitch?" "Will my baby have my eyes?"

*The next part of my story requires a bit of a detour. When daddy and I first got married, we had baby fever, for about 2 days. Then while we were away in St. Lucia on our honeymoon, we decided we wanted to wait, and said that in maybe 5 years we would start trying. Then the topic of adoption came up. I always thought it would be really nice to adopt, but my heart for adoption was no where near as strong as daddy's. He was adamant that he wanted our first child to be an adopted child. He felt like that would give us one-on-one time with that child, to really make them feel like they were completely a part of the family. He knew for sure that he wanted our first child to be adopted. I was not sold on this idea.

I was confident that I wanted my first child to grow inside my belly. That I wanted to have a baby shower with a huge belly, and be in the hospital where all our friends and family could come visit you. I wanted to have sonograms and a baby bump and the whole-9-month-pregnant-yards.

*Fast-forward to the day we we found out that our first IVF transfer didn't work. I was desperately wanting my dream of becoming a mommy to come true. Daddy was desperately wanting that dream to come true too. Although he wanted us to have a biological child of our own, his heart was still stuck on adoption. I was never opposed to the idea, I just wanted to put all of our effort into IVF before we even considered adoption.

*Fast-forward to the day after we found out we were pregnant with your brother/sister. Our feelings completely flip flopped. My dream of becoming a mommy was finally coming true. I was finally pregnant. But it wasn't until that moment that I realized how badly I wanted to adopt. And it wasn't until that moment that daddy realized how badly he wanted me to be pregnant with our biological child.

I just kept thinking about the babies that were growing inside of the belly's of mommy's that didn't want them. I wanted them. We could love them, and give them a family, and watch them grow. The moment I got pregnant I realized that what I wanted was a baby, not just a pregnancy. I had gotten so hung up on two week waits, and ovulation, and pregnancy tests, and injections, that I was more focused on seeing two pink lines than I was on just becoming a mommy.

Daddy though, he realized for the first time how excited he actually was to have a biological child of his own. And dreamed of what our baby would look like, and what gender they would be, and who they would act more like.

This is when it his us. Why not do both? Why not knock on every door of parenthood, and trust God to open the ones He is going to open. We found an adoption agency that does not have rules about adopting while being pregnant, and our prayer is to pursue the application process in early 2015. We will still continue to pursue fertility treatments as well, and just pray that God will bless us in whatever ways He chooses to.

Although I am not a parent to a living child yet, I know that there will always be unanswered questions. And that is where faith comes in. I have had to fully put my faith in the One that knows all of my questions before I even ask or think of them. I am trusting that if there are questions that I don't need the answer to, I wont receive the answer. And that if there are questions that need answers, those answers will come in God's time. And although I have no idea how God is going to bless us with children, I have full confidence that He will give us exactly what we need to serve Him best.

And even though I have no idea if you will have my eyes or not, I can confidently say, I don't care. I don't care if you have my eyes, or daddy's nose, or either one of our skin color, I just care that you are healthy and redeemed from your sins. That's it. That's all that matters to me.

I love you so much, even though I have no idea what you will look like!

-mommy

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Less Than Half

Baby,

I know a lot of this wont make sense to you right now, but I want to remember everything that's happened throughout this process. And also, I'm sure we will spend tons of time in the future talking about all of the little things in your life, so I'm just making sure you have something to read when you want to hear about mommy's life.

After my second set of bloodwork, I got a call on my birthday to tell me that my numbers came back at 8,000. While this is nowhere close to the 0 that we need to see it's better than the 17,500 from the previous week. Basically, this means that my body could just be taking it's sweet time getting back to my pre-pregnancy levels. But, the doctor seems to think that because my levels dropped to less than half of the previous number in 1 week's time, this is potentially a good sign that I will NOT need a D&C! This would be a huge answer to prayer!! I won't get too excited until I finally get the call that my numbers are back to 0, but I will be thankful for the results I received on my birthday.

Anyways, on Tuesday, daddy and I celebrated my birthday for the 10th time together!! The first time we celebrated my birthday together was for my sweet 16 birthday party in 2005. Pappap and Mimi had moved here from Tennessee several weeks before daddy did. Long story short, Pappap, Mimi, G-momma, and Papa-J got to know each other and became friends. Pappap called daddy and told him that he had found him a wife in Florida, and that as soon as daddy and Uncle Kevin got into town, they were headed straight for my sweet 16 birthday party. They didn't have a choice. I remember the two of them walking into my party like it was yesterday. The next several weeks after that, we spent every single day together. And the rest is history :)

Rest assured, that is not the last time you will hear that story. It is my favorite story of God's providence in our lives. At least at this point it is my favorite. I know that the story of meeting you and your brothers or sisters for the first time will be pretty tough competition! It is incredible to think about God's providence, and it gives me full confidence that I will have an amazing story to blog about our children one day! I love you so much, and daddy and I pray for you every single day!

-mommy


Monday, December 15, 2014

All I Want for Christmas is no D&C

Baby,

Bad news. I feel like life is full of so much bad news. All I wanted was a healthy, full term pregnancy. Then after we found out that wasn't going to happen, all I wanted was for the miscarriage to be an easy one. I prayed, and begged God to let it pass easily and without complication. But now, I'm not even sure that is going to happen.

Long story short, after I thought the miscarriage was over, the doctor wanted to check my blood work to make sure my levels had gone back down to my pre-pregnancy level of 0. Kinda funny, all I ever wanted to see was my levels go UP, and now, I'm praying for them to go DOWN. After my blood work last week, they wanted my level to come back at 0, but it came back at a whopping 17,500. Basically what this means is that I still have remnants of your brother or sister inside of me, and they aren't wanting to let go. This would require a procedure called a D&C. The worst part is that this is a $2,500 procedure! We have already spent your entire college fund to try and become pregnant, so to have to pay money to finalize the end of our first pregnancy just flat out sucks.

Tomorrow is mommy's birthday. My 25th birthday. According to my life plan that I had written in stone at the age of 14, I should have my first child by now. Clearly, that hasn't happened. And tomorrow, on my birthday, is when I will find out whether I need the D&C or not. I am begging God for good news. Just this once, please let there be good news.

But, there is a major problem with that prayer. Deep down, I want there to be good news, because I'm scared of bad news. I'm sick of bad news. I hate bad news! But then, this verse comes to mind:

"They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them." -Psalm 112:7

Instead of being scared of bad news, I know that I need to train my heart to trust that the Lord will care for me. He has cared for me my whole life. He has cared for me since the beginning of time. So how can I not trust that He cares for me now? He cares for me even if I find out tomorrow that I need a D&C. Im so glad that this verse came to mind before I get the news tomorrow. I am constantly praying that the Lord would refine my heart, remove my fear, and replace it with full trust in His seemingly confusing plan for my life.

I am so thankful that God is teaching me these hard lessons now, and I pray that it will help make me the best mommy that I could possibly be when that amazing day finally comes! I love you so much!

-mommy

Monday, December 8, 2014

Life Is Not Perfect

Baby,

There is something that I've learned over the course of my lifetime, but it has become more and more clear in recent days. Life is not perfect. No one's life is perfect. Even when you ask someone how they are doing and they tell you they are doing great, even their life is not perfect. Even when you think you are in a rut, and everyone around you seems to be thriving, even those thriving people do not have perfect lives.

I know what technology has done to the generation I am a part of. Some things have been very good and helpful, and some things have been very harmful. I can only imagine what it will be like when you are old enough to experience social media. One thing I have noticed recently is that social media is constantly full of the positive. Constantly full of how perfect everyone's lives are. Most people only want to post about the amazing things that happen to them. Very few people write about how horrible their day was, or how much they are struggling in a certain area. Who wants to broadcast that?

I've even noticed that when you talk to people in person, and you ask how they are doing, the usual response is, "Good, how are you?". I wonder how many people say they are good, when they are not really good. Maybe they are afraid to say they aren't good because they think that everyone around them is good? Maybe they are hiding their pain because they don't think anyone will listen. Maybe they are hiding their hurt because they want people to think they have it all together. This breaks my heart.

I know there have been times when someone has asked me how I was doing, and I was having a really tough moment, but I just told them I was "good". I really want be better about this. Obviously, there is discretion about the right and wrong moments to share your heart with someone, but I want to be more real and honest in my answers. And I want others to know that they can come to me when they are having a bad day. I want people to know that they can give me a real response when I ask how they are doing. I can help carry their burdens to the cross, I spend a whole lot of time there as it is.

There are only a handful of people in this world that I can completely pour my heart out to no matter what time of day. That I can answer with honesty every time those people ask me how I'm doing. One of those people is your G-momma. No matter what, I can tell her the truth. I can give her a real answer. And I absolutely cannot wait to have that kind of relationship with you. I cannot wait for you to call me every day and give me the scoop on all the little details of your life, because I care about every single one. You aren't even born yet and I already care about how your day was.

While I want every single person in my life to know that they can come to me with honest and real answers about their life and their good days and their bad days; I cannot wait to hear those answers from you!

-mommy

Friday, December 5, 2014

Patience and Infertility

Baby,

There are several lessons that I am learning through this process, and most of them can relate to other areas of life as well, not just infertility. One of those lessons that has really laid on my heart lately is about patience. Several ares of life require patience, but especially when it comes to infertility.

*** Side Note *** One of the most "annoying" things someone can say to me is, "Just be patient" or "If you are patient, it will happen".

Most people do not know how much patience it takes to tackle fertility treatments. Or how much patience it has taken me to have my blood drawn over 30 times, or to have over 20 sonograms, or to have 2 weeks of injections twice a day, or to take my temperature every single day for 180 days, or to have to sit on the phone for 2 hours and fight my insurance to get them to finally pay $100 out of $15,000 worth of treatments, or to have to wait 13 days for the results of a test that would determine our final cause of infertility, or to have to wait 11 days after the first sight of blood to have a doctor confirm that our first baby was indeed gone, then to have to wait 5 more days before the physical side of that loss came in full force.

Patience.

All of this took an extreme amount of patience. Patience that I thought I could never possess. If you had told me 3 years ago that this is where my life would be now, I would have told you there was no way I could survive this. But here I am.

The comments about patience are just not necessary, and here's why. It's almost as if those comments are making fertility treatments equivalent to impatience. Telling someone going through infertility to just "be patient" is like telling someone who just got married to just "be excited". Patience is the essence of infertility, just like excitement is the essence of getting married, or buying a house, or having a baby.

Fertility treatments do not equal impatience. Just like chemo treatments do not equal impatience.

Sometimes, its not as simple as just sitting back and relaxing and kicking your feet up and waiting for a baby to appear. Sometimes, it takes work. Sometimes, it takes help. Just because someone seeks help with their fertility does not mean they are being impatient. In our case, it means we are prayerfully accepting the reality of our situation. We know and believe 100% that God can take our 1% chance of conception, and give us as many children and He wants. With or without treatments. Just like I fully believe that God can heal someone that has cancer, with or without treatments.

However, there comes a time when faith, trust, reality and proactive involvement have to meet. For us, those things, along with a massive amount of prayer, have led us to IVF. Not because we think God is incapable, but because we believe that this is the means He will use to bless us with children.

All of that to say, we are being patient. Every day, we are patiently praying and waiting to meet you. Every day, we are practicing patience in a way that I never dreamed of, and in a way that I would never wish on my worst enemy. Every day that your room remains empty, we are being patient.

-mommy

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Stepping Stone

Baby,

There is something that feels different about writing you now. It's almost as if I'm writing to a different person than I have been all year. The first baby I was writing to came into our lives with so much joy, and also left this world more quickly than we expected. It's been just over a week since we lost our first sweet baby, and this week has been filled with a lot of emotions and questions and prayer and silence and tears and peace.

It's almost as if I'm writing to a new baby now. Our first baby has a part of me that cannot be replaced. But, you, you hold a new place in my heart. I am praying that you will be the baby that I will be able to hold, and rock to sleep, and give you a bath, and watch you grow. Nothing will ever take the place of our first baby, but we are praying that you, our second baby, will be one that we spend a lifetime of days with.

We have heard several people say to us over the past week, "So sorry about your loss, but you know, a lot of people lose their first baby and then go on to have several healthy babies." While this is true, we are not viewing our first baby as a "stepping stone" to our future children. The doctor tried to encourage us that although this miscarriage was disheartening, it was a major "step" in our infertility journey. Obviously, to some degree, I have learned to take what doctors say with a grain of salt (especially those that lack bedside manner.) While he might picture our first baby as a "step", I still picture their toes, and fingers, and nose, and belly button, and cheeks, and chunky legs. And I can still smell the Aveno baby lotion that daddy and I picked out just 1 week after we found out we were pregnant. And I can still feel the heartache that we felt, staring at a sonogram screen, as the Dr. told us we had lost our first baby.

A miscarried baby is not a stepping stone. It is a life. A life that made me a mommy. A life that made my best friend a daddy. A life that God has used to impact the lives of so many other people. This baby was so much more than a stepping stone to me. It was our first little snowflake, and it was your first brother or sister. I am praying every day for you and for our other future snowflakes, and that no matter how long your lives are, you will all spend eternity with me, daddy, and most importantly our Savior.

-mommy

Friday, November 28, 2014

All You'll Ever Know

Baby,

I struggle finding the words to type. It's hard to explain the emotion that comes with carrying a baby thats no longer alive. I'm not sure how many more days it will be until I experience the physical side of this painful situation, and although it's too difficult to explain all of the thoughts that go through my mind, I'm going to try and scratch the surface.

I have two main thoughts. One, I miss you. I just flat out miss you. Two, I am so overwhelmingly glad that you are going to spend eternity in Heaven, and that you will never have to face any evil in this world. Those are two very difficult emotions to combine.

I miss feeling like I was your home. I miss the excitement that came with random crying and laughing at the thought of seeing your sweet smile. I miss referring to "us" when I talked to daddy. (Don't worry though, I told daddy every day that you were with me that "we" loved him so much!) I miss the countdown of days until I knew if you were a boy or a girl. I miss the way my face hurt because I just could not stop smiling. I just miss you.

But at the exact same time, I have a peace that is completely unexplainable. I cannot put into words how much peace has come over me these past couple days. We have been showered with love by our family and friends. We have been given a peace by God that truly does surpass all understanding. We have complete peace in knowing that Heaven is your home, and it's all you'll ever know. 

It is such a sweet thing to know that the only thing you will ever have to experience is the glory of Heaven. You will never have to know sin, or pain, or hurt. You will only ever know what it is like to literally sit at the feet of Jesus and be in the presence of an eternity with no sin. It is such a comforting thought to know that daddy and I will join you one day!

In the meantime, we will be forever thankful for the 21 days that we got with you. You made us a mommy and daddy, and you have changed our lives forever. I love you so much, and not a day will go by that I don't think of you and miss you.

-mommy

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

The Sun Will Shine Again

There is a peace I've come to know
It cannot be explained
I thought the sun would bring it, but
It came in with the rain

To watch the sunrise on the beach
Is mommy’s favorite thing
It brings me closer to the One
Who holds it on a string

Our hearts were broken yesterday
So we decided to,
Watch the sunrise one last time
With me, and dad, and you

The only color we could see
Was deep, and choppy grey
Lord, please just let the sun shine through
On this dark, stormy day

But as the lightning filled the sky
I never will forget
I hugged your daddy’s neck so tight
We both stood there and wept

But not the kind of weeping that
You would expect to see
With tears, I told your daddy that
This lightning brought me peace

It might seem odd that lightning brought
A peace, so rich and pure
I know the sun will shine again
Of this, I can be sure

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Far More of Me


Baby,

I can't describe exactly how I'm feeling today, but I will try and put it into words. It's almost as if I woke up today knowing that the safest place for you to be is in the arms of Jesus. Of course I want you in my arms! And I want to see the look on daddy's face when he holds you in his arms. But it's almost as if I woke up this morning, and I just knew that the safest place for you to be is with Jesus. Momma's intuition I guess. 

I hope I'm wrong. I hope I'm dead wrong. I'm praying every moment of every day that God would loan you to us, and that this pregnancy will come to full term and that I would holding my precious summer baby next year! But the comforting thing is, if that doesn't happen, then I will know that you are in the safest place possible. What more can a momma want than for her baby to be safe? 

I was listening to The Misery of Job and the Mercy of God again today, and this particular part brought me tears, peace, and comfort. 


That morning, early, Job had gone
Alone with sheep and knife, at dawn,
To make his sacrifice. And while
He prayed, God put his heart on trial:
“O man of God, today again
You seek the precious lives of ten
Young souls. Now tell me, with your heart,
Would you be willing, Job, to part
With all your children, if in my
Deep counsel I should judge that by
Such severing more good would be,
And you would know far more of me?
Job trembled at the voice, and fell
Before the bleeding lamb. “Compel 
Me not, O God, to make this choice,
Between the wisdom of your voice
And these ten treasures of my life.
Far better I should take this knife
And mingle lamb’s blood with my own
Than put my children on this stone.
O God, have mercy on my seed.
I yield to what you have decreed.


I know with full confidence that the only way we will lose you is if in some mysterious way, it is good. God wouldn't do it if it wasn't good, and that is why I can sleep at night. I can rest in knowing that God's ways are higher than my ways. And although I want so desperately not to lose you, and I want so desperately to hold you in my arms on July 12, 2015, more than that, I want God to still be the one that is writing my life's novel. I don't want to write it myself. There might be days when I think I could handle it, when I think that I could write the story of my life better than God could, and those days always point me back to the cross. If I were in charge, redemption on the cross would have never taken place. 

So, as difficult as it may be at times, I am trusting the Writer of redemption to direct the chapters of my life. I hope I get to teach you these things one day, but if I don't, I will be at peace knowing that you are with my Savior, and that's all you'll ever know. 

-mommy

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Bliss & Pain Come From Above

Baby,

Once again, I'm listening to The Misery of Job and The Mercy of God. I find so much comfort and peace in this poem, it has really been a life changer for me. The most comforting part about the poem today is this section where Job's wife had just told him to curse God and die. This was in the midst of Job being covered with boils, after he lost all of his earthly possessions, including his 10 children. This is Job's response in the poem after Dinah tells him to curse God and die:


O, Dinah, do not speak like those
Who cannot see, because they close
Their eyes, and say there is no God,
Or fault him when he plies the rod.
It is no sin to say, my love,
That bliss and pain come from above.
And if we do not understand
Some dreadful stroke from His left hand,
Then we must wait and trust and see.
O Dinah, would you wait with me?


This is so amazing to me! I do not know how this pregnancy is going to end. Whether it will end in a healthy, beautiful baby, or whether it will end in a miscarriage. But it is so comforting to know that no matter how it ends, God has already planned this chapter in our lives. It is also comforting to know that the same God that brought us the joy of this pregnancy, is the same God that knows exactly how this pregnancy will turn out. 

If He chooses for this pregnancy to end in a miscarriage, and we don't understand this dreadful stroke from His left hand, then we will wait, and trust, and see. And if He chooses to bless us with a healthy pregnancy and baby, we will still trust Him with your sweet little life, because you belong to Him, no matter how many days you are loaned to us. 

-mommy

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Spark of Faith

Baby,

With all of this news since Sunday, I have had a million emotions go through my mind and heart. On Sunday, I was scared and bitter and mad and angry and I pretty much lacked any faith that I would meet you one day. It was not my finest moment. Then, slowly but surely, God did a work in my heart, right in front of my eyes! He gave me peace, and strength, and comfort that literally surpass all understanding. As you know, one of my favorite poems by John Piper, The Misery of Job and The Mercy of God is something that I listen to often. Today was the third time I have listened to it this week. One of the sections stuck out to me most


Sometimes the spark of faith is slight
And does not make the darkness bright.
But keep it lit and you will find:
Far better this than being blind.
One little flame when all is night,
Proves there is such a thing as Light.
Remember now the place and price
Where Jesus promised paradise.
One answered prayer when all is gone,
Will give you hope to wait for dawn.


My spark of faith today is that I am pregnant. I AM PREGNANT. Words I never thought I would type. Words that I thought were so far out of the realm of possibility. Today, I am so thankful for this pregnancy. I am so thankful that my deep, dark, scary days of wondering if my body was capable of pregnancy are shattered. Those fears are gone! Even though this spark of faith doesn't fully make the darkness of this situation bright, it gives me hope to wait for dawn. 

- mommy


Monday, November 17, 2014

Coin Toss

A coin toss is a harmless thing
One might be prone to say
Fifty-Fifty are the odds
On any given day

I’d take my chances with a coin
If stakes were not so high
I’d let a flip determine where
To eat my pizza pie

If heads or tails were used to pick
What shoes to wear that day
I’d gladly flip the little coin
And care less either way

Or maybe in a game that’s played
A coin is used to prove
The winner of the simple toss
Determines the first move   

But when a doctor says to you
A coin toss will decide
The future of this little life
You’re carrying inside

That is no coin toss I can make
As hard as it may be,
I lay this coin at Jesus’ feet,
Far better Him than me.

He knows the outcome of the toss
Before the coin is shown
And while we wait for heads or tails
There’s comfort at His throne

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Just a Closer Walk With Thee

Baby,

Today was a scary day, filled with fear, then relief, but I still feel anxious and nervous that there could be something wrong with you. And the hardest part is, there is nothing I can do to help you. So thankful that even when I'm unable to help you, I can pray. I can run to the feet of Jesus and pray.

Long story short, this morning, as daddy and I were texting about all of the things we were so excited about, I went to the bathroom to take my morning medicine. And there it was, blood. The scariest thing that I pregnant woman can see. The one thing I didn't think I was going to have to see again for a very very long time. My heart immediately dropped. I called daddy to let him know, and then called the doctor right away. The nurse told me to get my feet up as quickly as I could, and she would talk to the doctor and call me back. So my first thought was to lay on the ground asap. I laid on the bathroom floor and propped my feet up on the toilet. I didn't even care that I was laying on a bathroom floor.

There I was, 10 days after I got the best news of my life, laying on a bathroom floor, surrounded with fear. Just 8 days after I had taken a positive pregnancy test in this same bathroom stall just for the heck of it. It was 57 minutes before the nurse called me back. 57 long minutes, laying on the floor of my work bathroom. I spent those 57 minutes texting daddy, and multiple other people that I knew would pray for me and for you. And for some reason, in those 57 minutes, there was a song that popped into my head that I just couldn't erase.


Just a closer walk with Thee,
Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,
Daily walking close to Thee,
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.

Jesus doesn't want me to stray too far away from him now that I'm pregnant. He wants me to stay close, every single day. I want to rely on Him and His promises. His promise that He will never leave me, and He will do everything in my life for my good, even if those things don't make sense at the time.

57 minutes felt like an eternity, but that was exactly the amount of time that God needed to remind me to stay close to Him. My plea, laying on that bathroom floor, was to have a closer walk with Jesus through this entire journey. The nurse called, and said they wanted me to come in for blood work to check and see if my hormone levels were going up appropriately. They drew my blood around 9:40, and told me they would call by 1:00 with the results. They wanted my level to be at least 700-800, but even more was better. At 11:58, the nurse called to tell me that my level was at 1591!!! At this point, all the bleeding had stopped, and the nurses and doctors feel confident that the bleeding is just a reaction from the medication I am on, and that everything with the pregnancy is perfectly fine. 

As ecstatic as I am that the results came back better than expected, I still just have an uneasy feeling. As a mommy, I want to do everything I can to protect you, and make sure you are okay, and I just feel a bit helpless right now. But, as helpless as I feel, I know that through every trial and bump in the road, it brings me closer and closer to my Savior, and that is always a safe place to be!

Praying with every ounce in me!

-mommy 

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Overwhelming Tears of Joy

Baby,

Today was such a good day! There have been several times since we found out about you that I have had moments of just absolutely overwhelming laughing and crying at the same time. Totally out of nowhere I will just start crying and laughing, which makes daddy laugh at me because I just cannot control this emotion of sheer joy.

Today, I had one of those moments. We decided to go shopping at the outlets today in Tennessee, and for some reason, the moment we pulled into the parking lot, I was covered in tears and laughter, and just couldn't stop. I had a memory pop into my mind. Six months ago, we were at these same outlets with Aunt Hope and Uncle Jordan. We were shopping for things here and there, and all I could picture was you, everywhere I looked. Towards the end of shopping, I took a moment to myself and went to the bathroom and had a very short pity party (I try to make them as few and far between as possible).

And now, 6 months later, at the same outlets that I had a meltdown because I didn't know if I would ever get to meet you or not, I was having a joyful meltdown because you were finally with me, in my belly. It is little moments like this that make me thankful for our wait. The joy that I am experiencing now is so much greater than it would have been if we had gotten pregnant that first month we started trying.

I am praying for your sweet little heartbeat, and toes, and fingers, and belly button, and nose, and every single little part of you. I will never be able to fully explain how much joy you have already brought me! I LOVE YOU!!

-mommy

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Redeeming the Bathrooms

Baby,

Today, I did something kind of crazy, but totally fun and worth it! I have 4 main bathrooms that are my "go to" bathrooms for taking pregnancy tests. CVS, Walmart, my work bathroom, and our master bathroom. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen a negative result in all 4 of those bathrooms. I have cried a lot of tears in every single one of those bathrooms. But today, I was on a mission. I was going to redeem those bathrooms! I was going to replace all of those sad memories with new ones.

I had already checked CVS off the list with my first ever positive pregnancy test. But I had 3 more bathrooms to go. I woke up this morning, and took a test in my master bathroom first thing. Those two pink lines will never get old, ever!! Then around lunchtime today at work, I took a few minutes to take a test in the big stall at my work bathroom. Still loved seeing those 2 lines show up, especially in that bathroom! Then, after work I decided to go to Walmart and buy a digital pregnancy test because I just wanted to see those priceless words show up "Pregnant". This bathroom was also a success!!

I know it sounds like your mommy is a little crazy, but you will just have to get used to that :) I do everything that I do with all my heart. I love with all my heart, I get excited, I get sad, I get worried, I get overjoyed, and you never have to guess how I am feeling. I am an open book, and that is something that I hope you get from me. Although, there are a lot more qualities that I hope you get from daddy.

Today was such a good and exciting day! It still seems unreal that I am actually able to pee on a stick and the result is positive. I am so thankful for days like today, but I probably need to stop spending so much money on pregnancy tests, and start working on your room!

I love you so much, and I pray for you every single day!

-mommy

Monday, November 3, 2014

Two Pink Lines!!!!

Babies/Baby,

I cannot even begin to come up with the words to describe today to you, all I can say is that I've never laughed so much in my entire life. Today was full of joy, excitement, tears, laughter, relief, and so many other things. Today, for the first time, I peed on a stick and saw TWO PINK LINES!!!!!!!

Let me give you a timeline of the BEST DAY EVER!

7:00am- Woke up, got dressed and ready for work, and totally fought the urge to take a pregnancy test

8:00am- Got to work, re-counted the days over and over again to make sure that I was 8dp5dt (8 days past a 5 day transfer is a pretty accurate day to take a pregnancy test during an IVF cycle, although doctors recommend that you wait until 10dp5dt).

11:00am- I couldn't stand it anymore, I left work, went to CVS, bought a 2 pack of pregnancy tests, and headed straight for the CVS bathroom (this is one of 4 locations that I've taken the most amount of pregnancy tests in my life)

11:10am- Sat on the toilet at CVS, opened the box, unwrapped the test, peed on the stick, set it flat on the floor as I got up to wash my hands.

11:12am- Bent down on the floor to pick up the test, convincing myself that I was going to see the same old 1 pink line that I always see, and there it is. The most beautiful two pink lines I've ever seen in my life. I couldn't even stand up. I sat on that CVS bathroom floor and laughed and cried and stared at that beautiful stick for the next 5 minutes.

11:20am- Texted daddy to see if I could pick him up to go to lunch because I didn't want leftovers for today. We went to lunch, then I told him we needed to stop by Toys R Us because we needed to get our nieces and nephew a winter hat. As we pulled into Toys R Us, I parked in the Expectant Mothers parking spot, and handed daddy the positive test!! This was as creative as I could get with the little amount of time I had to plan!

We surprised both of our families around dinner time tonight, and they couldn't be happier! Everyone cried, and laughed, and hugged. I think my face hurts from smiling so much today, and my back hurts from how tight I've been hugging everyone! We did it!!! We knocked everyone's socks off!!!!!

Daddy and I pray together every night, and tonights prayer was one that I will never forget. Neither one of us could stop laughing and crying at the same time! We are so thankful for this pregnancy, and for the 1 or 2 babies that I'm carrying right now, and for all of the love and support from our families. But most of all, I am so thankful that God had this all planned out. He knew exactly how this was all going to fit together and play out in our lives. We are trusting and praying that this would be a healthy pregnancy, and that we would be able to see your precious heartbeat(s) in just a couple of weeks!!!

-MOMMY!! :) :)

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Top Secret Transfer

Babies,

The day is here again. I have had mixed emotions about this day. It wasn't long ago that I was laying on the same bed in the doctors office, holding daddy's hand while the doctor placed two beautiful embryos inside of me. Then 10 days later, we received the crushing news that the procedure did not take, and I was still not pregnant. At the time of that first transfer, we had everyone we knew praying for us. It was a huge step in our journey, and we wanted everyone to be involved and be praying. But this time, we want it to be a surprise. We want to finally have the chance to knock everyone's socks off with the news of a pregnancy!

So daddy and I decided that we would do this transfer, and keep it top secret. This was somewhat easy to do. We told a few people that we were going to be having some tests run for the next couple of months to see if we could figure out why the first transfer didn't work. But little do they know, we transferred two more precious embryos today!!

Daddy and I have been praying for so long now, that we would finally get to meet you. I pray that both of you would make yourselves nice and cozy in there, and that you would stay for 9 whole months! I pray that we will get to see your sweet heartbeats soon, and that we would get to watch you grow in my belly! That I would finally get to feel the kick of our little babies inside of me. I can't wait!!

Ten more days of patience, and we will know the results of this second transfer. The doctor feels very confident that we will achieve a pregnancy this cycle. Praying for you every day!!! Love you!

-mommy

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Dear ALL moms: SHUTUP

Dear ALL moms: SHUTUP

There have been two different articles going around Facebook this week. One that started out by a stay at home mom that was urging all other stay at home moms to shut up and stop complaining about their jobs. Then another by a stay at home mom that said, DON’T shut up; urging stay at home moms to complain less, but also not to be afraid to be open about the daily struggle it is to be a full time mom.

As a woman that is dealing with infertility, and has yet to become a mommy, these two articles make me sick.

I would give ANYTHING to have puke on my yoga pants,  or get peed and crapped on all day, or have to change 20 diapers a day for a living, or have to juggle all of these things that stay at home moms can’t make up their mind about whether they love or hate.

I get it, I've never walked in your shoes. I've never had a child, so I don’t know what it’s like to have the stress of being a stay at home mom. But, most of you have never walked in my shoes, and you should be thankful for that. Most of you have probably never desired a baby SO bad, and had to swallow the fear that that desire might never be filled.

So please, get off Facebook, and go cuddle your child. No matter how frustrating and difficult they've been today. No matter how many times they've puked and peed on you and drawn on your walls and stained your carpet. Go cuddle them, and kiss them, and sing them to sleep. Because I promise you, there are women out there that would give anything to trade shoes with you for a day.

-a mommy in my heart


Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Heartbreak & Picnics

Baby,

There are few people in life that you will ever meet where you instantly feel like you've known them forever. Where there is a bond that is unexplainable. God sometimes uses these types of people to change your life in a drastic way, and today, I was able to experience this.

A few months ago, I was given the contact information for a friend of a friend who I had never even heard of before. This person had experienced similar situations to what we were going through, so I decided to contact her. Infertility is one of those subjects that immediately can draw two people together. From the very beginning of my friendship with Amanda, there was never TMI, nothing I said ever crossed the line, nothing I said was ever misunderstood, she just GOT ME. I could spit out a confusing sentence, and she knew exactly what I meant. I could typo 10 times in a text, and she knew exactly what I meant- and I had never even met this girl before!! It was actually about 6 weeks into our daily texts that we finally sent pictures of ourselves!

Well, yesterday was a very tough day. It was a day full of heartbreak. I took another pregnancy test in the morning before work, and yet again, 1 pink line- Not Pregnant. I had bloodwork scheduled today at the doctors office because this is what they do in order to determine 100% whether you are pregnant or not. Of course the call came in around 1:00 with the results, and the nurse confirmed that my bloodwork showed no trace of the pregnancy hormone. This was devastating. How? Why? So many questions going through my head. I texted everyone the news, and got loving responses in return.

But Amanda, she had more than just a text in mind. She texted and told me that her and a friend wanted to take me to lunch the next day, and asked if I could meet them in Port Orange. I had no clue what to except. I had met the other girl briefly at a rehearsal dinner for some friends about a year ago, but had never talked in depth with her before. But I wanted to go to lunch. I knew that God had brought Amanda and Kerri into my life for a reason, and I was so thankful for their comforting friendship.

So today, I show up in Port Orange, excepting to hop in a car with them and ride over to wherever we were going to lunch. But they had a different plan in mind. They had a full picnic set out for me!! And a full basket of all my favorite things! Cookies, cheetos, sweet tea, gift cards, donuts. Seriously, it could not have been more spot on. They were there to completely love on me, and I had never even met them before!

We ate, cried, laughed, prayed. It was a perfect lunch, at a perfect time. This picnic just proves to me all the more that we have such a loving and comforting God. He puts the most unusual and unexpected people in our lives to show us that HE weaves it all together. HE is the one that knows beginning to end. He knew that my bloodwork would come back negative yesterday, and He also knew that these sweet, unexpected people would shower me with comfort and prayers.

As hard as yesterday was, I can type today with full confidence that God is good! He is good on the good days, and He is good on the hard days. I can't wait to teach you these things one day!

-mommy


Friday, September 26, 2014

Double The Blessings & Double The Hope

Babies,

Today's the day!!! Today is the day, that for the first time ever, I will get to carry you in my belly!

Here's the catch- there's TWO of you in there right now!!!

We just left the doctor's office, and our dream of having twins just might become a reality. The doctor allowed us to transfer 2 beautiful embryos. Now, we just have to wait 10 days to find out if I will get my first ever positive pregnancy test!

This has been a long road, full of trials and pain and tears, but today, we are full of laughter. We are full of hope and excitement and BBQ! We are on our way to our favorite BBQ restaurant now, not bad for your first meal with mommy :)

I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH!

-mommy

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Father's Day

In preparing for the most exciting/stressful/hopeful/nerve wrecking procedure of our lives, I am trying my best to stay full of prayer and hope. I am staying hopeful that this procedure will work on the first try, and that our official due date will be Fathers Day 2015!!

This is the poem I wrote that I will give to Mitch to tell him that we're pregnant if the procedure works!

Hey dad! It’s me, your little squirt
Just wanted to say “hi”
And introduce myself to you,
I’m anything but shy.

I have brown hair, and big huge eyes
And funny looking toes.
A mole is on my left pink cheek,
Next to my little nose.
  
I’m good with numbers and my hands
I love to travel too.
I like to make my mommy smile,
I got that one from you.

I am a Boston Red Sox fan,
I knew that from the start
My name is from the T-station
That stole my momma’s heart
  
Mom says that I’m a Cowboys fan
But you put up a fight
I haven’t made my mind up yet,
But I’ll turn out alright.

There is one thing I know for sure,
My blood is black and red.
I’ll always be a Bulldog fan,
Until the day I’m dead.
  
Those are the basics about me
The rest will have to wait
We still have my whole life ahead
And memories to make

There’s one more thing for you to know
My heart is like a sponge
I’ll soak up everything you say
So teach me when I’m young.

The things I’ve learned from you and mom
Just from what I can hear
There’s power in the blood of Christ
And patience, trust, and prayer.

I know you’ve waited for these words
So mom and I agreed
I’d get to be the one to write
The words you’ve longed to read

God answered yours and mommy’s prayer
The time is finally here
You’ll get to hold me the first time
On Father’s Day next year!

Monday, August 18, 2014

Someone I'd Never Met

To miss someone you’ve never met
Might not make sense right now.
And though you may not comprehend,
I’ll try to show you how.

There was a time in mommy’s life
Where each and every day,
I missed someone I’d never met
So all I did was pray.
I prayed that God would hear my prayers
And help me not to fret,
But all the while I still missed,
Someone I’d never met.

But in this trial I received
What most will never get.
I got to pray and love on you
Before we'd ever met.
Before you even were conceived
I’d written this to you.
God set aside this precious time
Before your big debut.

And sometimes if I close my eyes
I see it all so clear.
Anticipation fills the room
The day was finally here.
I got to hold you in my arms,
No longer did I miss,
This baby that I longed to meet,
And finally got to kiss.

That day will be an answered prayer
I never will forget.
The day I finally get to meet
Someone I’d never met.


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

You

No paint will fill this void of mine,
And shutters will not do.
My heart, it aches for one main thing
And that my dear, is you.

I’d gladly give it all away
To make my dream come true.
My dream, it is for this one thing
And that my dear, is you.

I’d give away this house of mine
Your daddy, he would too.
As long as we could have one thing
And that my dear, is you.

But when these thoughts consume my mind,
I know I can cling to,
The one who answers all my prayers,
And that my God, is you.

And if a day arises when
I doubt I’ll make it through,
There is a rock that never moves,
And that my God, is you.

And even in my sleepless nights,
You make my spirit new.
My joy will come from this one thing,
And that my God, is you.





Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Advice- To Give or Not to Give

Out of the kindness of my heart, I feel the need to share some thoughts and things that I have learned over the past year of my life. In no way shape or form are these thoughts meant to be hurtful, but they are meant to attempt to paint a real picture of what goes on in the life and minds of someone struggling with infertility.

I also want to say that I have been encouraged over this last year by so many different types of people. People that also struggle with infertility. People that pop out babies once a year. People that have never had children, and people that haven't had children for decades. I have learned a very important thing that goes beyond just my struggle with infertility. As Christians, we are required to comfort those around us, whether we have ever experienced what they are going through or not. I cannot begin to explain what a blessing it is to me that some of my most faithful friends during this trial have been ones that have never had to think about infertility.

I know that I won't be sharing this blog until after we are pregnant, but I wanted to write these thoughts down to help anyone that reads it understand, to some degree, what we're going through. And also, to help myself when I look back at this over the years. If and when God blesses us with a child, I do NOT want to forget these feelings. I want to be able to be a warrior for those other women who are struggling. I want the things I've learned through this trial to stay with me forever, and in light of that, I'll write them down, or should I say, type them up :)

These are in no particular order:

1. Sometimes, it's okay to just listen.

            Sometimes, I think people think that they always have to have an answer, or a piece of advice, or a scripture, or a saying to fill in the silence in a conversation. But sometimes, all I want is silence. Sometimes, I just want to be able to say what's on my mind, and know that someone is listening.

2. Don't give fertility advice, unless you are a fertility doctor.

             There is a slight exception to this statement. You can give advice if you have gone through the same procedure that the person is going through, and your advice is asked for. But when someone struggling with infertility is sharing their heart with you, do not give the following advice:

              - "Just stop stressing, and it will happen"
              - "As soon as you relax, that's when you'll get pregnant"
              - "Have you tried this particular sex position?"
              - "I bet if you adopt, you'll get pregnant right away too"
              - "Just try not to think about"
              - "You can just take my kids!"
              - "At least you get to sleep every night"

3. Infertility is a disease. 

              This partially goes along with #2. Because most people are shy about their infertility, or because it's just not a widely understood area, it's difficult for people to truly understand. Our case of infertility specifically is a disease. It is just like cancer, or heart disease, or any other type of disease that requires medical treatment. Therefore, advice to just "relax" or "stop stressing" is not helpful.

4. Don't be Eliphaz!

               This might be the most hurtful thing you can do to someone struggling with infertility. Just like Eliphaz did to Job, he accused him of secret sin, which was the only way he could justify God's hard providence in Job's life. It is never appropriate to accuse someone of secret sin as a cause of their infertility. To illustrate this, I have to quote my all time favorite poem, The Misery of Job and The Mercy of God,

"No, no my child, to cleanse
An upright heart of toxic stains
With searing irons is not like chains
Laid on the soul in penalty
For guile and crimes no one can see.
No, they were wrong. And kindly has
The Lord rebuked good Eliphaz,
And I have prayed for him, and all 
Is well. You see, their minds were small,
And they could not see painful times
Apart from dark and hidden crimes.
Beware, Jemimah, God is kind,
In ways that will not fit your mind."


5. If you are pregnant and talking to someone that is struggling with infertility, do not complain about your pregnancy.

                It took quite a bit of self control to not bold and capitalize every word in that one. I cannot even being to describe how hurtful it is to hear about how much it sucks to be pregnant. Or how it sucks to be nauseous. Or how much it sucks to have blood drawn, or how miserable it is to have a baby bump because you can't fit into any of your clothes. Or how difficult the last couple weeks of pregnancy is because, "it's just so hard to wait". I know that I could get an "amen" from every women struggling with infertility, that we would GLADLY trade nausea, blood work, glucose test, baby belly's, stretch marks, etc, for the empty womb that we've been given.

**I know that these comments are not meant to be hurtful, but they are**

6. A text, call, or letter can change someone's day.

                 Figured I should follow up that last one with one that is a bit more positive. Over the past year of my life, I could probably specifically name to you the people that have consistently texted or called me. There are some people that I know without a shadow of a doubt, I will get a call or text from them for every doctors appointment I have, on Mother's Day, or even just to check in on me. I CANNOT express how much this means. It can completely change my day. I have also received 3 letters in the mail over the past year, and those letters, I will never forget.

7. PRAY.

                Pray with your infertile friend. Pray for your infertile friend. Tell your infertile friend that you are praying! I remember a specific day, a few months ago, within a matter of 10 minutes, I had 6 different people text or call to tell me that they had been praying for us that morning. That is a LOT of prayer, and it is SO appreciated. Just to know that we have people begging God on our behalf is so encouraging, and even better, when people pray with us, it means so much.


This is by no means a full list of things that I am feeling, or have felt since our struggle with infertility began. But, I do think it is a good list and sums up a few key issues that I never want to forget. I wanted to end by saying that none of these things are meant to hurt anyone. We do truly know that everyone we speak to means well. I also know that this is an awkward situation, and most people don't know what to say, which is why I wanted to type this blog. We love you all, and cannot wait for the day that we can all rejoice in the blessing of our child!

- a future mommy, filled with hope


Friday, July 25, 2014

Daddy

It’s hard to pick a favorite one,
But this one might be mine.
This story holds a special place,
Within the sands of time.
This story fills my heart with joy,
And makes me reminisce
About the way God used my life
To show His providence.

There was a boy that caught my eye,
I never will forget.
On New Year’s Eve 2005,
Our stage began to set.
We hit it off right from the start,
He always made me smile.
But then came days of frustration,
That lasted for a while.

He prayed and prayed and never stopped,
He waited for my heart.
And then one day it all made sense;
He loved me from the start.
His patience stood the test of time
His love, it only grew.
He won my heart like no one else,
Then finally said, “I do.”

Our greatest days were yet to come,
The world we longed to see.
Then after we had settled down,
We wanted to be three.
The path to three was simple, right?
It wouldn’t take too long.
We quickly learned that this assumption,
Couldn’t be more wrong.

The path was longer than we thought
And full of tests and trials.
But on that road I barely walked,
This man, he ran for miles.
And even in the toughest times,
His patience wins the race.
His goal has always been the same;
A smile on my face.

I can’t imagine life without
This selfless, patient man.
That’s why I love to think about
Just how it all began.
You might hear mommy call him “babe”
Or maybe even “baby”
But I can’t wait to see his face
The day you call him “daddy”

Monday, July 14, 2014

42

Baby,

Days like this make this whole process that much more difficult. Since we started trying to have you, 42 people have announced their pregnancy. This is the biggest baby boom I've ever seen in my life. I am completely SURROUNDED by pregnancy. It's days like this that make me want to lay in bed all day and cry for myself and for your daddy. It's days like this that I question if God is even listening to my prayers. It's days like this that make me feel like God is answering our prayers on other people. It's days like this that bring me to the end of myself.

It's not that I wish these women weren't pregnant. Its just that I wish there were 43 pregnant women. I wish I was one of them.

I know deep down that God knows the exact number of people that will give birth before me. I know that God knows exactly what my future holds, and why He is prolonging this process. I know that God has a perfect reason for all of my "whys?". But I also know that He doesn't owe me an explanation. He doesn't owe me a baby. He doesn't owe me anything. That's a tough pill to swallow sometimes.

I pray that one day all of this would make sense. That I would be able to look back and understand why all of this is happening. But I also pray that if it never makes sense, that I would still praise God through it all.

-mommy

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Psalm 127:3

Baby,

One of the most common verses that people use when talking about the gift of children is found in Psalm:

"Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from Him." - Psalm 127:3

This verse has really troubled me lately. What have I done to not be receiving this reward from the Lord? Am I being punished for something I've done? If children are a reward from God, why is this reward being withheld from me?

And then even more puzzling questions cross my mind.

Why do prostitutes get pregnant? Why do murderers have children? Why do atheists and people in the world get to experience the joy of parenthood?

Then after pondering, and weeping at times over these questions, I came to realize something. God blesses people with children based on His perfect providence in their lives, not based on their merit to deserve those children. If children were only given to those that "deserved" such a blessing, then no one would have children. God has a perfect reason for why each child enters this world, whether they are born into a Christian home, or born to a prostitute. It's not my job to figure out why God creates human life, it's just my job to glorify Him whether He ever gives me a child or not.

I pray and beg God daily to grow our family and give us a child, but along with that prayer, I also pray that God would be my portion, and that I would not be any less satisfied in Him if He chooses not to ever bless us with a child.

I also pray that my heart would realize that God's love is not any less for me if He chooses not to bless us in this way. In fact, His love is so great for me that He knows perfectly what I need in my life to grow closest to Him, and that is what He is going to give me.

I love you so much, and I pray that we will get to meet you very soon!

-mommy

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

The Author

It’s story time again tonight
So listen closely dear
This story is about a man
Who shatters all our fear

This man is the greatest author
The world has ever known
He made the sun and moon and stars
Then man from dust and bone

He weaves together good and bad
In perfect harmony
And although we are scared at times
His pen is worry free

The ink He uses sometimes hurts
And makes us wonder why
But then His penmanship is clear
And opens up our eyes

And as we see each chapter end
We understand its start
This author has a perfect plan 
To soften up our heart

To show us that without His love
We would be on our own
This authors plan right from the start
To make our heart His home

He writes the novel of our lives
Although at times unclear
This author is the best you see
He shatters all our fear

Monday, May 26, 2014

Hargradams Getaway

Baby,

Right now your daddy and I are in Tennessee with Aunt Hope and Uncle Jordan, a much needed getaway! It's so fun to have friends to hang out with and go on vacation with. But I'm reminded of you everywhere I look. We've gone shopping a lot this weekend and I constantly see things that I want to buy for you. I feel hopeful today that this could be the month. I know that most likely my hopeful outlook will be disappointed when I realize in a couple weeks that this wasn't the month, but it keeps me sane to stay hopeful. If it does happen this month, then that means you were conceived on vacation! How perfect would that be :)

One of the main reasons why we are hopeful that this is the month is because if it's not the month, then I have to have a vaccine done before the specialist will see us for further treatment. Which means for 30 days we will have to prevent pregnancy. The exact opposite of what we've been trying to do all these months.

If that is what happens, then I will have to have a vaccine done, wait 30 days, and then we can have our first round of fertility treatments done.

We are praying every day that you would come into our lives quickly, but that if that isn't God's plan, we would rest in knowing His timing is better than ours.

-mommmy

P.S. Also, if you are conceived this month, you'll be able to wear the St. Patrick's day outfit we bought for you to match your cousin Jude!

Monday, May 12, 2014

Three

I think about you every day
And for you I will always pray
But then at times I stop and think
Will you be dressed in blue or pink?
You feel so far away some days
But then at times I see your face
You have your daddy’s perfect nose
Regretfully, your momma’s toes

But I have some good news for you
There is a God that’s always true
He plans beginning to the end
And knows the very moment when
Your heart will beat for the first time
And when you’ll cry your hearts last cry

And even when your heart is scared
There is a God that’s always there
He’s comforting in times of need
And grants a peace that’s like a stream
Of mercy that will never end
This God, my love, He is your friend

I cannot wait to share one day
And teach your little heart to pray
That even when all hope is lost
There stands a bloody wooden cross
Where this same God who is your friend
He bled until the very end

This God, you see, He has a plan
And although we are only man
He wants to hear our deepest cry
Our tears He always longs to dry
So I lay down at night to pray
And dream about the precious day
Of when I’ll finally get to see
You turn our family into three

Friday, May 2, 2014

God is kind, in ways that will not fit your mind

Baby,

This has by far been the most difficult week of my life. In no way do I ever expect to be able to wrap all of my emotions into one blog post. There are things that I can literally feel God teaching me throughout the day, it is just so hard to explain because of the emotional roller coaster that is attached to the situation. There are some moments when I just feel silent. Where I just feel like I literally can't speak even if I open my mouth and try to. There are moments when I cannot even breath because I go from laughing about something at work to crying more than I ever thought was humanly possible. Then at times I feel at peace, when I can actually, literally, feel the peace of God calming my heart.

But in all of these emotions, and in all of little things I do throughout the day to distract my thoughts, it all boils down to fear. I am scared to death to go down this road any further. What if we choose one path to try, and it doesn't work? What if we choose the most expensive treatment out there, and it doesn't work? What if we try the treatment over and over, and it still doesn't work? What if I never get to see you in person like I've always pictured you in my head?? What if we never get to hold a baby that has the perfect combination of features of me and daddy.

With all of those thoughts running through my mind all throughout the day, I still have a daydream. A daydream about the day that we do find out we are pregnant. A daydream about getting to tell your daddy the greatest news he's ever heard in his life. I can picture it in my head. I dream about that day, every day.

The news that we got this week has been the most heart breaking news through this whole process. But it has been amazing to watch how your daddy has handled it. He is the most perfect person for our family, and somehow going through all of this just proves that to me over and over again.

One thing that has gotten me through this week is my favorite John Piper thing to listen to, The Misery of Job and The Mercy of God. It is a beautiful poem about the life of Job. This has been the part that I have listened to over and over again:
  

“So you think God was kind to make
You sick,” Jemimah asked, “and take
Away your health and all your sons
And friends, and daughters – all the ones
You loved?”

"Jemimah, what I think
Is this: The Lord has made me drink 
The cup of his severity
That he might kindly show to me 
What I would be when only he
Remains in my calamity.
Unkindly he has kindly shown
That he was not my hope alone.”

O, Papa, do you mean your friends 
Were right?”

"No, no, my child, to cleanse
An upright heart of toxic stains
With searing irons is not like chains
Laid on the soul in penalty
For guile and crimes no one can see.
No, they were wrong. And kindly has
The Lord rebuked good Eliphaz,
And I have prayed for him, and all 
Is well. You see, their minds were small,
And they could not see painful times
Apart from dark and hidden crimes.
Beware, Jemimah, God is kind,
In ways that will not fit your mind.
It’s getting late, Jemimah, come,
I think I hear the bedtime drum.
My little theologian deep,
It’s time to say good night and sleep.”


We tend to blame ourselves, or others when they are going through a trial. And its easy to think that it's something we've done to deserve what is happening to us. But I can say this, we have searched our hearts, and I know that God is doing a work in our lives. He is not punishing us, or holding out on us, I fully believe that He is preparing us for something even greater than our minds can think of. 

I feel like I miss you, even though I've never met you. I love you so much, and I know that your presence one day is going to be an answered prayer in the hearts of many people. I can't wait for you to read this one day and see how God used you before you were even born to show His mercy and to bring your daddy and I closer to Him. 

-mommy

Monday, April 21, 2014

Joy comes in the morning

Baby,

I cannot explain the way I felt when I woke up this morning. The only possible reason for the way I felt was God. I have more peace and joy than I have felt in 9 months. I can feel the mercy of God more today that I have in 9 months. I feel like a huge, gigantic weight has been lifted off of my back. A few months ago I thought to myself, the only way I will feel this weight lift is when I finally get pregnant. I was wrong. In fact, since my last post, I have gotten even worse news from my blood work, but somehow I am at peace.

Somehow I just know that God is bigger than all of this. That His reason for making us wait is more perfect than I could ever imagine. When I told your daddy this morning that I felt this way, he said, "you don't know how long I've been praying and waiting to hear you say that."

It really is an answer to prayer to have this much peace, even if it is only short lived. Even if in 1 week I'm back to being sad and overwhelmed with fear. The peace I have right now in this moment proves to me that God answers prayers. And the whole purpose of me writing to you is not just so you can look back at this one day and know how loved and prayed for you were, but it's so that I can go back and read through these posts and remind myself that God is good, and He has all of this figured out in a way that will one day blow my mind.

The lyrics of this song explain exactly how I feel today:

And when I delight myself in You
You give me the desires of my heart,
When I confess that You know best
Peace flows like a river and joy comes in the morning

I literally have a river of peace, and I am full of joy this morning, even though I have absolutely no clue when I will meet you. And even though scientifically speaking, you are more out of reach now then you've ever been. Even though I now know that I will not be an expecting mother by the time Mother's Day comes this year. Even though I know that it's now going to be that much harder to get pregnant. Somehow, I have peace. Somehow, I woke up joyful.

Thank you Lord, for mornings like these. Your mercies are new each day!

-mommy


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Punch in the gut

Hi baby,

It's been so long since I've written to you. Partially because lately I just feel so disconnected and far away from you. Some months I feel like I will meet you in no time at all, and lately I feel like I can't even picture your sweet face anymore.

A lot has happened since my last post. The hardest thing that's happened was when the doctor punched me in the gut at my last appointment. She didn't actually punch me in the gut, but that's exactly what it felt like. I was expecting to go to my appointment and have a very simple problem with a very simple solution. This was not the case. The issue is bigger than I imagined and the solution is a lot more complicated than we were expecting. But then again, this entire thing has been bigger and more complicated than we expected. Basically, it is not impossible to get pregnant by any means, it is just going to be a lot more difficult than the doctor originally expected.

We got this news on the day before our big trip to Ireland. Needless to say, this was a perfectly timed trip. We had an amazing time, even though I did start my period while we were over there. Funny thing about our trip was that the food was horrible while we were there! We couldn't even find decent food at the grocery store. So for this month at least, our Hawaiian sweet roll tradition was broken. The sad thing is, even when the doctor told me this news, I was still holding on to some amount of hope that I wouldn't start my period in Ireland. That we would find out we were pregnant there, and that it would top off the most amazing trip of our lives.

My brain is scattered and I don't know what else to say other than today my sadness turned into anger. I have spent my morning going back and forth between being sad and just being flat out angry. I hate when I get like this. I hate when I can see sin taking over my heart in a new way. But I can say, today was the first time that I read back over some of my old messages to you, and it really did give me peace. Each month that goes by has been very painful, but it doesn't seem like that long ago that I started this blog. It seems like an eternity, but at the same time it does feel like we are getting closer and closer to answers and a positive pregnancy test.

I read something today from John Piper that I don't want to forget about next time I am having a moment:

"We can draw no deadlines for God. He hastens or He delays as He sees fit. And His timing is all-loving toward His children. Oh, that we might learn to be patient in the hour of darkness. I don't mean that we make peace with darkness. We fight for joy. But we fight as those who are saved by grace and held by Christ"

I love you baby, even when you feel further away than you ever have before!

-mommy

Monday, March 17, 2014

Safe Inside Your Will

How can I challenge Your command
When all I have is in Your hand
How can I question Your decree
When all You've done is faithfully
Provide a road that few have seen
Where I am blessed to call You King

Still I can’t wrap my mind around
This path where you have laid the ground
Right now I do not understand
This lot that you have for me planned
But then what always comes to mind
Is how You always seem to find
A way to show me Your great love
And that good things come from above

How can I doubt your plan for me
When I remember that old tree
You hung and gave your life for mine
And left the ninety-nine behind
To capture my poor weary soul
Lord, You alone have made me whole
 
In time I know I’ll understand
This lot that you have for me planned
My mind too small right now to see
The plan that you have made for me
But I am learning every day
That You’re the potter, I’m the clay
Lord help me to remember still
That I am safe inside Your will